Best of the Blog: How to Communicate Negative Stuff in a Positive Way

One of my clients reached out to me recently because he is unhappy with his new job. He hasn’t yet developed a strong relationship with his boss and doesn’t want to come across as whiny. He is struggling with how to have the conversation, especially since he isn’t ready to throw in the towel.  Keeping a positive tone in a difficult, high-stakes conversation like this one is a key leadership skill. In my work with this client, we talked through several strategies that can make a big difference when you’re in a situation like his.

Use Positive Language  

When my client and I first talked about his unhappiness with his new job, this is what he told me:

• “This role isn’t what I was expecting. My skills are underutilized, and I’m bored and frustrated.”

• “I’m not sure where this experience is really going to lead me or my career.”

• “I want a better relationship with my boss, but he is so different from other bosses I have had. My last boss was so supportive. I’m not sure where I stand with this one.”

Sharing this information with his boss using words like the ones he used with me seemed risky, given the situation. After all, this is a conversation that will set the tone for my client’s relationship with his boss. The choices he makes about how to handle the conversation will have a ripple effect throughout his time at this company.   That’s why I gave my client this strategy: Even if you’re feeling negative, share it in a more positive way. The easiest way to do this is by first clarifying your underlying intent. In other words, stop and ask yourself what this is really about for you.   Here’s how my client used his intent to communicate the situation to his boss:

• “I value my relationship with you and the company, so I want to be transparent about what is going on for me.”

• “I want to more fully utilize my skills to support the business and have a bigger impact. Here’s where I see an opportunity. …”

• “I am committed to the company and want to better understand the career path.”

Can you see how those words would land very differently with his boss than how he originally described the situation to me?  

Focus on How You Want to Show Up  

The second way to find the right words is by focusing on how you want to show up vs. how you don’t want to show up. For example, if you want to come across as proactive and positive vs. whiny and negative, what words, tone and body language would convey that? Practice speaking out loud and in front of a mirror so you can make sure these three things are in sync.  

Work on the Relationship  

Finally, consider one of these options to develop a stronger relationship with your boss over time:

• Pay attention to what he cares about and how he communicates. This helps you position things more effectively.

• Ask others whom you trust, and who know him well, how to best engage him.

• Get to know him as a person.

• Tell him how to best work with you. Many leaders have a hard time figuring this out on their own, so make it easy for them. For example, tell him what management style works well for you (hands on or hands off) and the most effective communication approach (e.g., direct, face-to-face, etc.) and ask what works best for him. This will allow the two of you to co-design your working relationship.

• If he doesn’t give feedback, offer your own self-assessment and ask him what he thinks.

I’ve shared a lot of different ideas here. Which one resonates most with you? I challenge you to pick a strategy and get started. Let me know how it goes!

For more resources to help you get going, check out our Leadership EDGE SeriesSM booklet on "Communicating with Impact" or go even deeper with the WOW! Women On the Way to Peak Performance Program℠.

How to Fall In Love With Your Job Again

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Your relationship with your job is just like any other relationship: It can hit a rough patch, or you might get a case of the blahs. My executive coaching clients often confide that they really don't enjoy parts of their jobs anymore. But because some aspects still work for them — and the pain of staying put is less than the pain of looking for something new — they soldier on.  

If this sounds familiar, how does each day feel? When you're not as passionate about your work, it can be much more difficult to tap into your creativity and strengths. If you let this situation continue for too long, it could affect your performance and ultimately your career advancement.

But you don't have to break up with your current job to love your career again. In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm sharing three questions to help you rekindle your excitement.

What Initially Attracted You?

Think back to when you first started your job. What attracted you to this role? What did you enjoy most about it back then? Maybe it was the opportunity to work with a great team or a great boss. Or perhaps it was the chance to use certain skills, build something new or round out your experience. Your reasons don't have to be "exciting." They just have to be meaningful to you. Perhaps your job won your heart simply because it gave you financial stability and security.

Of those initial characteristics that made you fall in love with this job, which ones still remain? Take five minutes to jot them down — to help you remember and appreciate them. If something you used to love about your job has changed, you can still use the insights from this exercise to increase your job satisfaction. For example, if the boss you accepted this job to work with has since moved on to another role, brainstorm other ways to get the support your old boss used to give, such as finding a new mentor.

What Would You Love More Of?

Complete this sentence:

If I had more _________, I'd love my job again.

Get specific about your answer to this question, and notice what’s at the heart of it. For example, if you answered challenge (as many people do), what kind of challenge do you need? Have you been doing the same kind of work for so long that its routine nature no longer engages you? If so, getting the challenge you need may be more about helping you build new skills or applying your skills to different types of business issues.

What Would You Want Less Of?

Here's one more sentence for you to complete:

If I could stop (or get rid of) _________, I'd love my job more.

Think about the things you've been tolerating at work that you'd love to just resolve once and for all. Perhaps day-to-day you are so involved in managing details that you don’t have time to get to the strategic work you love.  Identify at least one thing that you would want less of, and one step you can take this week to make it happen. For example, if you’ve been tolerating performance issues on your team, review the strategies from my article "Why Your Underperformer Isn't Changing."

For some people, when they answer this question, it may surface lifestyle issues such as long work hours or a crazy schedule that encroaches on their personal time. If that’s true for you, these articles have helpful strategies: "How to Stop Working All the Time" and "4 Ways to Keep Your Busy Life From Taking Over."

If you'd like some outside perspective or support as you try to rekindle that passion for your job, consider booking one of our Leadership Breakthrough SessionsSM. These half- or full-day customized sessions are designed to help you get clarity about what matters to you, and arm you with practical strategies.