Have you lost your cool at work lately? Or been on the receiving end of someone else losing their cool?
You're not alone. These are stressful times (to put it mildly!). And when we're under stress, it's harder to communicate effectively. Showing up the way you want to with your colleagues takes some extra intention, especially during difficult conversations.
How Stress Undermines Communication
Even if you normally communicate with ease at the office, you might notice that it's more difficult lately.
That's because your brain can shift into a totally different mode under stress. Instead of being calm, creative and empathetic, you may be in "fight or flight" mode. So if you surprised yourself by using a sharp tone and harsh words during a recent encounter, this is probably what was happening.
If the person you are talking to is also stressed, it compounds the issue. They will have more trouble processing what you're telling them and are more likely to get defensive. For example, maybe your direct report failed to do something that you requested even though you thought you had explained it clearly more than once. Or perhaps they acted offended after you made a seemingly neutral statement.
On top of stress, many of us are communicating more via phone and video calls these days instead of in-person meetings. This makes it even harder to understand and be understood. More than half of communication comes from body language. So we're losing a lot of important cues even on video calls.
Do Others Hear Your Words or Your Tone?
You can see all of this play out in a recent coaching call I had with a client.
She needed to have a conversation with an employee who hadn’t completed critical, time-sensitive work. It's one of those talks that nobody looks forward to, even in less-stressful times. So we decided to role-play the conversation to help her prepare.
When we acted out the conversation together, her tone has such an edge that I couldn't even hear what she was really saying. Her annoyance and frustration clouded the entire message. It didn't feel like she wanted to understand what might have happened. Instead, it felt like my client had already made up her mind that the employee couldn’t possibly have a good reason.
I asked my client to go through the role-play again, this time from a place of curiosity, truly seeking to understand what had happened from the employee’s perspective. Her tone was more neutral this time, but she shared so much detail that I got lost.
On the third try, I asked her to keep the same tone but to focus on the "headlines" first, and then details. This time she nailed it. When we debriefed, she laughed, telling me that she simply repeated what she had said in our first role-play. The difference was that this time I “heard” her, because her tone was more open and not so accusatory.
This exercise was eye-opening for my client. She realized that in her drive for results, she doesn’t always stop to evaluate her approach and how it could affect the relationship with her employee.
If you find yourself on edge a bit more lately, a role-playing session like the one I had with my client could help you prepare for a difficult conversation. It can help keep those strong emotions in check and prevent things from escalating.
Before you move on with your day, I want to challenge you to identify one action you will take this week. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
Assess your patience level on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being high. Self-awareness can do wonders in helping you make a shift.
Find a safe place to vent your frustrations. And, no, that safe place is not at work. Remember that handwriting your thoughts (uncensored) on a piece of paper can quickly do the trick.
Identify one action you can take to reduce your stress level and infuse some positive energy into your life.
Review the key principles of clear communication, which are more important ever right now. My guide "Communicating With Impact," from the Leadership EDGE℠ series, is a great starting point.