How to Overcome Negative Feelings

Even as we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the coronavirus pandemic, we're also experiencing stress and exhaustion after more than a year of disruption. Many of us are still not feeling quite like ourselves — and with good reason.

So, I thought it was a good time to revisit the core ideas of positivity. These principles have made a big difference for both me and my clients over the years. And they can be an important part of our toolkits for dealing with stress and restoring and replenishing ourselves as these challenging times continue.

Image by ShonEjai from Pixabay

Negative Emotions Are Big, But Brief

Positive and negative emotions both play important roles in our lives. Because negative emotions help us deal with threats, we're wired to pay a lot of attention to them, according to Dr. Barbara Frederickson, a researcher on the science of emotions. (Be sure to check out her books Positivity and Love 2.0). However, over time, negative emotions may create “lingering lenses" — for example, the tendency to see danger in every situation. It's helpful to remember that emotions, by nature, are brief. If you're having negative emotions right now, it may not feel like they'll ever pass. But they will. Also remind yourself that a negative emotion might feel "big" not because of its actual magnitude, but rather because that's just how our brains work.

Positivity Is Good Medicine

It's not just important to manage our negative emotions right now. We also need to cultivate positive emotions. Positivity has very real effects on our physical and emotional well-being and is tightly linked to how long we live and how healthy we are. Research shows a direct correlation between positive emotions and heart health, immune health and resilience. Positive emotions can even increase your sense of purpose. If this is a time of transition for you, positive emotions can help you find your new path.

3 Steps to More Positivity

Using the power of positivity to tackle your pandemic fatigue doesn't mean telling yourself to "just think positive" or constantly reading positivity quotes or memes on social media. To become more positive, you need intentional strategies. It isn't about suppressing negative feelings.

As an example, let's say that you want to start working out regularly again after letting your fitness habits slide during the pandemic. Based on Dr. Frederickson’s teachings, you could use this simple reflection to get started:

1. Notice how often you actually think about the activity – in this case, exercising. Once or multiple times a day? Weekly? Never? 

2. Identify what percentage of your thoughts about the activity is positive and what percentage is negative. 

3. Finally, think about how positive your experience is while you are engaging in the activity.

In other words, tweak the experience so that it becomes more enjoyable, rather than just focusing on the accomplishment. When I used to go to spinning classes regularly with friends, I loved it — even when I was too tired to do it. I enjoyed catching up with my friends, listening to the upbeat music and picking a person in the class to secretly “compete” with. If I had been focused only on the outcome (getting through the one-hour class) I wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much. 

Reprogram Your Negative Thoughts

Once you have greater awareness about your thoughts about an activity, you can actually “program” your spontaneous thoughts to be more positive. Frederickson suggests using an “if (this), then (that)” approach. Continuing with our example of exercise, here’s what it would look like in practice:

• If I am too tired to exercise after work, then I will remind myself how good I will feel once I start exercising.

• If it is a nice day outside, then I will go for a walk in my favorite park or trail.

These quick strategies will help you develop effective ways to counteract some of the challenges and negative thoughts you may be facing lately. I have been trying them myself and am surprised at how quickly they start to work. How can you put positivity into action in your own life this week? For more self-care strategies like the ones in this article, pick up a copy of "Staying in the Driver's Seat," part of my Leadership EDGE℠ series.

Women Leaders Shine at Two Events

As a board member for Texas Women’s Foundation, I’m passionate about the organization’s mission to make Texas a better place for women and girls. These past few weeks, it’s been especially exciting to be part of the foundation, thanks to two events that addressed some of the major challenges of our times.

Leadership Forum & Awards

On April 29, TWF presented its Leadership Forum & Awards Celebration to celebrate the impact of women leaders across Texas.

The keynote speaker was Adriana Gascoigne, the founder and CEO of Girls in Tech, a nonprofit organization that empowers, educates and engages women in the tech industry.

Gascoigne talked about how we've lost 50 years in gains for women during the pandemic. The time to invest in women is now. She also shared research from her organization about the tech industry. Findings include a high rate of burnout among women with male bosses.

Gascoigne left her audience with this advice:

• Every failure is an opportunity to learn and build resilience. Fail fast and be open to change.

• Keep your voice. Find your passion and purpose and stick with them.

• Partner with the right people and get advocates.

Congratulations to co-chairs Hattie Hill and Jana Etheridge for this meaningful and valuable event. I also want to extend warm congratulations to the award honorees: Trisha Cunningham, Jin-Ya Huang, Rani Puranik, Judy Treviño, Cheryl Polote Williamson, Diana Mao and Kim Roxie.

Orchid Giving Circle POWER Leadership Forum

Orchid Giving Circle at Texas Women’s Foundation is an Asian sisterhood that provides grants and fosters philanthropy primarily within and for the North Texas Asian community. On May 7, the Circle hosted the POWER Leadership Forum. I was honored to be on the planning committee for this event and to serve as one of the conversation leaders. Sponsors also receive access to my New Lens® app. I’m excited to share that we had almost 600 attendees and 100% of the funds will go to nonprofit organizations.

One key component of the forum was the Fireside Chat with Anne Chow, CEO of AT&T Business. Anne addressed the recent rise in bias against Asian Americans. A few of her key points:

• Asian Americans are often talked about as the “model minority” (successful, overachievers). Remember to lean on the power of your core cultural values — to serve, achieve and perform.

• We have to take care of ourselves. Have people in your life with who you can talk to truthfully. Let it out.

• We all own a part of helping each other be better.  We all have biases. Start with yourself by understanding and reframing your own biases.

Anne also talked about how to manage your energy in challenging times:

• It’s not about achieving work/life balance. Balance is bogus — you have one life to live; not separate personal and professional lives.  In your time-pressed life, focus on the quality of time you spend with others, not the quantity.  Optimize your life to the success measures that you define.

• We all face choice points about where to put our time and energy. When you are making a choice, think about whether it is a “no do-over” moment  — one when you or the other person would always remember that you weren’t there. 

• No one needs to know what your “no do-over” moments are or should tell you what they should be.  You can frame it as an “immovable commitment.”

• Science shows that we are not truly happy unless we are helping others. Pick your head up, get involved in your community, and lift others up.

I also appreciated the takeaways from other panelists:

• Be intentional with your time. Manage your moments.

• Ask for what you need; wish out loud.

• Do not just focus on tasks; take time to consistently invest in relationships.

• Learn from your mistakes and quickly move forward.

• Strategically use your energy.

• Your voice matters, especially during this challenging time for the Asian community.

• Volunteering in the community is a way to grow your skills in a safe environment and build your network of influence.

I hope that you’ll consider joining in Texas Women’s Foundation’s work to drive change for women. To learn more about donating or volunteering, visit the Get Involved page on the organization’s website.

10 Ways to Use Your Body to Change Your Mind

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

As high performers, we're used to thinking of solutions for challenges. But sometimes all that thinking just doesn't work. Trying to think your way out of feeling stressed, frustrated or stuck often ends up making things worse. In the same way, it's hard to think yourself into feeling energetic, confident or calm.

Instead, there's another approach that can be a lot more effective — and a lot more fun. I'm a big believer in using your body to change your mind. More and more research shows us the power of the mind-body connection. Because of this connection, some activities that might not feel productive can actually help you be at your best.

So the next time you find yourself thinking about how to solve or fix something (especially if that "something" is your own mood or mindset), turn your brain off for a while and try one of these ideas instead. 

1. Get Moving

Exercise doesn't just enhance your physical fitness. It also gets your brain in shape. Studies have found a pretty amazing list of mental benefits from exercise. To name just a few, a good workout helps your brain produce feel-good endorphins, improves your stress response, boosts your confidence and reduces anxiety. The next time you feel stressed or stumped, step away from your desk for a walk. Even a quick break for some physical activity can lift your mood and clear mental blocks.

2. Go Outside

That walk will benefit your productivity even more if you can take it outside. Time in nature is a scientifically proven mood booster. It lowers your blood pressure and levels of cortisol, the "fight or flight" hormone. And when it comes to boosting your energy, a nature break is right up there with a cup of coffee. When you return to your desk, it should be easier to focus and concentrate.

3. Laugh It Up

If you tend to check social media during your breaks, skip your news feeds and go straight to the page of your friend who shares the funniest memes. Or perhaps watch a few minutes of a standup special or comedy series. I don't have to tell you that a good laugh feels great. But it also has profound effects on your body and mind. Laughing raises your energy and lowers stress and negative feelings. It can even help you process something that's been bothering you.

4. Let the Tears Flow

Crying may not feel as good in the moment as laughter does. But it's just as beneficial for you. When you cry, your body releases chemicals that can actually help ease both physical and emotional pain and leave you feeling calmer. Some researchers even think crying purges stress hormones and other toxins from your body. If you tend to hold back tears and "push through," see what happens when you give yourself the time and privacy to release all that tension in a good cry.

5. Give and Get Hugs (Safely)

One of the hardest things about the Covid pandemic is that it has limited our physical contact with people we care about. But now, as more of us get vaccinated, there should be more hugs in our future. And not a moment too soon. Touch lowers stress hormones and raises our body's feel-good chemicals, like serotonin. If you live with others, don't forget to spread the hugs to them, too. Sometimes we get lost in our phones in an effort to de-stress. But it would actually lower your stress a lot more to put down the phone and call for a group hug.

6. Maintain Your Appearance

As the pandemic continues on, many of us are feeling lethargy and apathy. In the words of one woman interviewed by The New York Times, remote work has us stuck in "deep pajamaville." Getting out of pajamaville can help us cope with pandemic fatigue. We often talk about maintaining a professional appearance in terms of how it makes others perceive us. But don't forget that the way you look, and the level of care you put into your appearance, also affects how you perceive yourself. This week, devote a little extra time to getting ready even when you don't have a Zoom call. Pull a favorite outfit or accessory back out. Pay attention to how changing your physical appearance affects your confidence and energy.

7. Boogie Down

One advantage of remote work? You have the privacy to get your groove on to your favorite music when you need a break. Dancing can help you stave off anxiety and depression, research has shown. Need some new moves? Get your kids to teach you viral dance trends from TikTok.

8. Belt One Out

While you're dancing, feel free to sing along (even if your kids cringe). Like spending time in nature or getting a big hug, singing lowers the stress hormone cortisol. So go ahead and unleash your inner Beyonce or Bruno Mars.

9. Strike a Pose

No time to take a walk — or stage your own mini musical production number? Just take a moment to stand up and put your hands on your hips (think Wonder Woman). Researcher Amy Cuddy has found that "power poses" like this one help us become "happier, more optimistic, more confident, more creative, more likely to take action, more likely to seek rewards and opportunities, (and) more physically energetic."

10. Be Still

A lot of the ideas in this article involve moving your body in some way. But sometimes what we need most is to quiet the body and, in turn, the mind. Meditation allows us to pause our relentless doing to just be. Practicing mindfulness meditation changes your brain activity — even when you are not meditating.

Your body holds as much wisdom as your mind does. What is it telling you it needs right now? Commit to trying at least one of these ideas this week. For more self-care strategies like the ones in this article, pick up a copy of "Staying in the Driver's Seat," part of my Leadership EDGE℠ series.

Strategies to Stay Calm & Focused in Uncertainty

Did you ever think you’d get this much experience navigating the unknown in this short a timeframe? Well, I certainly didn’t. In addition to all the changes that the coronavirus pandemic brought to my business and personal life in 2020, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on January 2. Although I’m cancer free now, there are still days where I ask myself, “Did all that really happen in 2020?” It was slow and fast all at the same time.

The good news is that I learned some incredible lessons – ones that will serve me for a lifetime and that I will share with others. For starters, the four surgeries and four rounds of chemotherapy in the middle of a pandemic reaffirmed for me that we have far more control over how things unfold than we realize.  I hope that some of these strategies resonate with you, especially as you navigate what’s happening in your life.

Focus on What You Know

When there's a lot of uncertainty in your life, where do your thoughts go? For most of us, it’s all too easy to zero in on everything that you don't know, or the gap between where you are today and where you want to be. Instead, ground yourself in what you do know. What information do you have about your situation? And what else do you know that can be helpful now? For starters, you have shown resilience in the past and know what's helped you during other tough times. And you know who can provide the kind of support you most need, and how they can best do so.

Be Fully Present

We can all play the “What if…?” game. It can be exhausting. Worrying about all the different scenarios and how they might play out in the future can drain the energy right out of you. Take a minute to notice how often you hit your mental "fast forward" button and project into the future when you are stressed out. 

After chemotherapy, I remember how I would go through unpredictable waves of feeling good and feeling bad. For example, I would feel fine for a half hour and then terrible the next half hour. At first, I would get disheartened when I realized that the “feeling good” was only temporary. But, over time, I recognized that I needed a different strategy. I didn't want to ruin the time that I actually felt good anticipating and worrying about when or if I would start feeling bad again. By focusing on the present moment and how I could make the most of it, it changed everything. What would change for you if you shifted your attention from the future to the present—to what’s happening right in front of you?

Take One Step at a Time

A big change can leave you with an overwhelming list of items to work through. That's true whether we're talking about a serious illness, a job loss or even a crisis like the winter storm we recently went through in Texas. If your focus is on solving that giant issue or project looming over your head, it can be paralyzing. If you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself, “What is one step that I can take now to start moving in the right direction?” When you’ve completed that step, identify the next. Framing things this way makes even the toughest challenges a lot more manageable. By not focusing on solving the whole problem, you will be able to solve it faster. There is a reason why my mantra is “small steps can lead to big results.”

Before you move on to the next thing in your day, I want to challenge you to try one of these strategies now. And if you'd like to hear more ideas on building a change mindset, check out Patti Johnson's interview with me on the "Be a Wave Maker: Conversations on Change" podcast. I’ve even gone back and listened to it myself to make sure I don’t lose sight of some of those small, but powerful steps that can make a big difference.

[Podcast] Building a Change Mindset

Patti and I dive into how we think about change – right where our ability to navigate uncertainty begins. I share strategies from my experience helping leaders work through the craziness of 2020, cancer treatment during a pandemic, and creating a successful business.

Listen to the podcast here...

Grateful to Others? Let Them Know!

In this challenging year, it may be hard to remember the last time it didn't feel like your plate was full. When we're so busy, it's easy to overlook even important things — like the people who are making a difference in our lives.

As we get close to Thanksgiving, take a moment to reflect on the times this year when you've been elevated by the support and kindness of others.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Maybe this makes you think about the friend or former colleague who always seems to know when you need a cheerful call or text message. Or the boss who still finds the time to listen even though you know her schedule has gotten busier. Or your family members who have kept a good attitude despite changes in your routines.

Just by thinking about the people you are grateful for, you'll feel less stress. And who couldn't use that right now? But don't stop there. Let these people know how they've made your life better and how much you appreciate them. Your expression of gratitude will lift their spirits. And, again, you'll benefit, too. Positive psychology researcher Martin Seligman found that when people shared letters of gratitude with someone they had never properly thanked for their kindness, they immediately became happier — and stayed happier for the next month!

In my own life, I want to thank my sister, brother, aunt and cousins who have really gone the extra mile for me this year. Who is on your personal gratitude list? And how will you let them know about the important difference they have made for you?

Insights from America Ferrera

“Your identity is a superpower, not an obstacle.”

That was just one of my favorite quotes from the keynote conversation with actor, director and author America Ferrera at the Texas Women's Foundation's 35th Annual Luncheon.

TWF works for social and economic change for women, girls and families in Texas. I'm honored to support the organization's mission as a member of its board of directors. The theme of this virtual event was creating more inclusive communities across Texas. 

Ferrera delivered some powerful inspiration on the topic of inclusivity. You may know this Emmy and Golden Globe winner best from the shows "Ugly Betty" and "Superstore" or movies like "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." But Ferrera has also served as a producer and director on "Superstore" and other projects. She is the author of "American Like Me: Reflections on Life Between Cultures." As an activist, she was a founding member of Time's Up and has worked with the organization Voto Latino. She holds a bachelor's degree in international relations from the University of Southern California.

Being Whole and Authentic

During the TWF luncheon, Ferrera emphasized the importance of being your whole self. Many of us make decisions in the moment that may not fully reflect who we are. Perhaps we are compromising, concerned about being rejected or simply taking the path of least resistance. Over time, each of those small decisions can add up to a lot. What have you not explored in yourself or kept from others because of who you thought you had to be? What aspects of yourself have you had to strip away to fit in?

“What does success mean?" Ferrera said. "Does it mean just getting into the room, or does it mean who you can be once you’re in that room? My journey has taken me to: It only matters if I’m in those rooms if I can be my whole authentic self.”

In corporate America, we talk a lot about the business case for inclusion, but Ferrera brings a more personal perspective. She encouraged us to think of inclusivity as something that benefits each of us individually. When you empower someone else, you also empower yourself. When you help others be safer, you are safer as well. Investing in others means creating valuable opportunities for the world to benefit from their talents (talents that otherwise might have gone unexpressed). And to create the change we want to see, we need everyone's talents to come together.

To learn more about the work of the Texas Women's Foundation, please visit www.txwf.org. The organization's next event is Virtual Viewpoints: The 19th with journalist Emily Ramshaw on October 19.

One Thing Video Series: Get More Visibility for Your Accomplishments

Are you getting the recognition you deserve for all of the great work you are accomplishing? If not, my latest One Thing You Can Do video will teach you one of my top strategies for increasing your visibility.

Your Pillars of Support

RBG inspired and touched so many. In honor of her memory, appreciate who has been there for you during these challenging times and tag them here.

One Thing Video Series: Do You Practice What You Preach?

Do your team members take your feedback to heart? If you're not noticing the changes you'd like to see, consider whether you're modeling the behaviors you want your direct reports to show. I explain more about the importance of "practicing what you preach" in my latest One Thing You Can Do video.

One Thing Video Series: How Are You Showing Up?

Your presence — the way you show up with others — is one of the key parts of your personal brand as a leader. The unpredictability of our world and our work lives today can affect how you show up. In my latest One Thing You Can Do video, I'll give you a few ideas for making sure that the way you're coming across reflects how you want others to see you.

One Thing Video Series - Giving Yourself Permission

In my latest One Thing You Can Do video, we’ll take a look at how all the change of the past 12+ weeks has affected you and how to move forward.

One Thing Video Series - When Things Don't Go as Planned

When life isn't going as planned, there's one question you can ask yourself that will change everything. In my latest One Thing You Can Do video, I explain how to use this transformative question.

One Thing Video Series - Maximize the Opportunities in Front of You

How much are you noticing and maximizing the unique opportunities in front of you? Choose from three quick strategies in the next installment of One Thing You Can Do.

One Thing Video Series - Vulnerability as a leadership tool

Do you really need to be strong all the time? Tap into the power of vulnerability as a leadership tool. It will pave the way to a stronger relationship with your team.

One Thing Video Series – What’s Really Going On?

During this crazy time, are you sure you know what’s really going on? Don’t let your logic and practical approach get in the way of identifying the underlying issues. Watch this 2-minute video in my One Thing You Can Do series.

One Thing Video Series – Be There for Yourself Too

You're there for your team during this challenging time. But don't forget to be there for yourself, too. These 3 questions can help you build strength and #resilience.

10 Strategies to Lead with Powerful Intention in 2020

This new year won't be new much longer! It's not too late, though, to set powerful intentions for 2020. But with so many priorities competing for your attention, how do you decide what your intentions should be? Consider focusing on one (or more) of these leadership strategies that have consistently made a difference for my executive coaching clients.

1. Live with purpose. Let your passion and personal priorities guide you.

2. Always take the high road. One negative, memorable moment has a long shelf life — especially the higher you move up the ladder. Find an outlet outside work to vent.

3. Align your words and actions. When they are out of sync, your actions will always speak louder. You can say that you know how to prioritize or that you value work/life balance, but what are you modeling?

4. Pay attention to relationships just as much as results. People care about what you do and how you do it.

5. Demonstrate your positive intent through your behavior. You can have the best intentions or results in the world. If people consistently have challenging experiences with you, neither of those things will matter to them.

6. Invest time to network. Networking is part of your job, not something you do if you have spare time. It gives you access to important resources to do your job and manage your career.

7. Stay humble but tastefully toot your own horn. It will help others understand and tap into your strengths.

8. Celebrate success even if you think you are “just doing your job.” It will boost your energy and that of the people around you.

9. Strategically integrate self-care into your life. Self-care isn’t a sign of weakness or just “nice to have.” The best leaders know it is key to high performance and satisfaction. Pay attention to what your body, not just your mind, is telling you.

10. Give yourself that empathy that you so freely give to others. You are doing the best you can with where you are in your life.

Which one of these leadership strategies will you to focus on right now? How will you keep it front and center this week?

Looking for more leadership advice and inspiration? From corporate programs to coaching to books and audio, you'll find tools on my website tailored to your needs.

Creating the Outcome You Want

My clients are high performers with a relentless drive for results. But even with that drive, sometimes people overlook how they can create the outcomes they want.

For example, I met with a leader who was excited about a promising business relationship that could really take his company to the next level. After having two fruitful meetings with this potential client, he shifted into “wait and see” mode because he felt the ball was in the other party’s court.

Although he may not have had as much control as he wanted in this situation, he had much more power and influence than he realized.

To get him thinking about how he could create the outcome that he wanted, I asked him a few questions. Even though you may be faced with a different type of opportunity or challenge than his, the following questions will shift your mindset

and approach — leading you closer to the outcome you want:

What would you like to have happen?

Start by defining what the ideal outcome would look like. Get really specific about the most important elements, for you and the other party involved. These elements could include your role and responsibilities, your working relationship with the other party, your compensation, and so on.

What would it take to make that happen?

Next, consider the key pieces that would have to be in place for the ideal outcome to happen. In the example above, it was more credibility and trust between the two parties. As we talked further, he also realized that minimizing risk for both parties mattered a great deal.

What are the first two steps you can take to lead to the outcome you want?

After you’ve answered the first two questions, you will find that the answer to this last question comes much more easily. You begin to see the small steps you can take to start moving things in the direction you want. Remember that it can be subtle things that you say or do. The most important part is making sure the steps tie to the outcome you want and what must be in place to make it happen. In this example, this leader realized that crafting some kind of pilot project was the best way for both parties to try something on a small scale, to minimize risk, and to advance their working relationship.

Although we don’t always have control over a situation, we can influence the outcome. Just remember that getting really clear about what you want shifts your mindset and helps you naturally and easily start creating the outcome you want.

Are You Taking Your Skills and Experience for Granted?

I once wrote a proposal for a multi-billion-dollar company seeking to develop its top leaders. Of course, the minute I hit “send,” I realized I had omitted a really important fact about my experience – so important, in fact, that leaving it out meant I had grossly understated my qualifications. I just couldn’t believe I had missed it! Although I had a chance to rectify the situation, this reminded me how easy it is to overlook what you know.

I see the same things happen with my clients. They often overlook extremely valuable lessons and experiences from the past that can help them with what they’re wrestling with today. Their oversight may center on skills that they just don’t notice they have anymore — in other words, areas where they have reached the point of “unconscious competence.”

With the Newberry Leadership System for High Performing Women, I help my clients build critical skills to the point where they are second nature, to the point of unconscious competence. However, I also find myself helping my clients remember what they already know and how to apply it to what they face today.

Here’s a quick example. I once coached a leader who has always been good at building a strong network of advocates. In fact, in the past it has helped her move up the corporate ladder very quickly. However, in the past two years, she has spent less and less time focusing on her network – to the point that she lost sight of its importance altogether. It wasn’t until she found herself in a political situation where she wasn’t supported that she realized just what she had forgotten. That situation was the rude awakening she needed to jog her memory. In our coaching session, we talked through how to bounce back from the situation, leveraging her skills and experiences from the past (and she had many to tap into).

Another one of my clients found herself frustrated about all the unexpected issues popping up on a mission-critical project. She really couldn’t afford any delays. When we started to delve deeper, she realized that she had forgotten about an issue tracking and management approach and tool she had used on another project. By putting that back into play, she got the right information from her team – information to help her anticipate and prevent potential problems.

So, the next time you find yourself dealing with a challenging issue, take time to ask yourself the following questions:

1.What is the underlying issue I’m struggling with?

Don’t get distracted by all the details, really focus on the core issue(s).

2.In the past, when have I encountered a similar situation?

Asking yourself this question will help you remember a past experience that may lend insight into how to approach the current situation.

3.What helped me work through that situation successfully?

What lessons did you learn that could apply here? This will help you remember key elements of what happened in the past, how you handled the situation, and what could be useful as you develop your approach to the current situation.