The Power of One Conversation

Have you ever had one of those moments when someone tells you that something you said made a real difference in his or her life? Maybe it's a conversation you don't even remember, but it helped the other person make a change or shift perspective. As busy as we all are, it's important to realize how much you can affect another person with a single conversation. Just making someone feel validated, supported or heard makes a big impact and takes only a few minutes of your time.

We all have those times when we feel stuck or frustrated and need to talk through a challenge. To be a great conversation partner when someone needs a sounding board, you don't have to have all the answers or come up with an action plan. He may be in a frustrating situation that he can't change in the short term, but even helping him shift his attitude about the situation can be extremely valuable.

The key thing is just to be fully present for the other person. Take in what she's saying, both with her words and with her tone and her body language. That kind of deep listening is a gift. Take time to reflect what you notice: "You sound very upset about this." “You sound drained.” "You just don't seem like yourself."

These three questions can be helpful to ask the other person move forward:

• How do you feel right now?

• What do you really need right now?

• What do you most want right now?

(They're also great questions to ask yourself when you're feeling frustrated or stuck.)

The first two questions can help the other person identify her emotions and think strategically. Perhaps she feels disappointed and needs to feel appreciated. Sometimes we tend to stay "in our heads" about tough work challenges, so also getting in touch with our emotions can help us find the best solutions.

The "what do you want" question helps the other person start to take action to get centered again. That could mean getting positive encouragement from someone else, taking a break, getting some sleep, going for a stress-relieving run, or spending quality time with family.

This week, notice the colleagues around you who may need you to lend an ear or share your insight, and make yourself available for conversation. This small step for you can lead to big results for someone else.

7 Thinking Traps That Undermine Leaders—And How to Escape Them

When the pressure is high and the pace is relentless, your brain will try to work against you. Here’s what to watch for.

I was working with a senior leader recently. Talented, experienced, the kind of person her organization depends on. And she said something that stopped me cold:

“I just don’t think I’m cut out for this role.”

She’d had a rough quarter. A major initiative hadn’t landed the way she’d hoped. Two of her strongest people were being pulled toward other priorities. And she was navigating an executive team that seemed to be communicating less the more pressure mounted.

Anyone who’s been through a stretch like that knows the feeling: Is it me? Am I the problem?

She was not the problem. And she was cut out for her role. But in that moment, she had fallen into one of the most common thinking traps for leaders: letting a hard stretch become a judgment about her identity.

Thinking traps are patterns of distorted thinking that feel true in the moment but lead us away from clear judgment and effective action. They’re not new. Over the years, I’ve seen them surface constantly in my coaching work. But these days they’re feeling more common than ever. Right now, leaders are navigating unprecedented complexity, uncertainty and change. Artificial intelligence is reshaping industries faster than most organizations can adapt. Teams are distributed, attention is fractured, and the pace of change has made the job of leading more cognitively demanding than at any other point in my 17-plus years in this work.

Under that kind of pressure, even excellent leaders stop thinking clearly. Trying to protect them from threat, their brains start generating narratives that are unhelpful and just plain wrong.

Why Thinking Traps Hit Leaders Especially Hard Right Now

What makes us vulnerable to thinking traps? You know firsthand that when you’re physically depleted—running on too little sleep, skipping meals, neglecting exercise—your brain feels foggy. That fogginess isn’t just your perception. The exhausted brain shifts into a more reactive mode. The prefrontal cortex, which handles sound judgment, perspective-taking and long-range thinking, gets crowded out by the more threat-sensitive parts of the brain. We stop being strategic. We start being stressed. And the traps follow almost automatically.

The stressed leader reacts instead of responds. Catastrophizes instead of assesses. Assumes the worst about other people’s intentions. Swings between taking on all the blame and deflecting responsibility entirely. Makes decisions they wouldn’t make with a full night’s sleep and a clear head.

The stressed leader operates from urgency—constantly pulled toward what’s loudest and most immediate. The strategic leader protects time for what’s actually important, makes decisions from a position of clarity and builds shared ownership with their team instead of hoarding control or abandoning it.

Thinking traps keep leaders stuck in stress mode. Getting unstuck starts with learning to recognize them.

The 7 Thinking Traps

These seven traps are well-documented in research, and I see versions of all of them regularly in my executive coaching work. Take a moment now to read through them with honest curiosity: Which ones feel familiar? Where do you recognize yourself?

1. Personalizing: Taking the Blame for Things You Don’t Control

What it sounds like: My team is struggling because I haven’t figured out how to lead them through this level of change.

When you personalize, you accept full responsibility for outcomes that are actually the result of several factors—some of which have nothing to do with you.

This trap is especially damaging because it’s common among leaders who care deeply. When things go wrong, they turn inward immediately. They see a client departure—or a disengaged team member, or an initiative that didn’t land—as evidence of their failure.

For some leaders, personalizing might feel like a virtue because they think they’re holding themselves accountable. But that’s not what’s happening. Instead, claiming ownership of every variable prevents them from seeing the full picture of what went wrong and finding better solutions going forward.

The reframe:

When something goes wrong, get curious before you get self-critical. Ask yourself: “What evidence supports that this was because of me—and what doesn’t?” You can take genuine responsibility for your contribution without shouldering the weight of everything that was never yours to carry.

2. Externalizing: Handing Your Power to Forces Outside You

What it sounds like: The market shifted. The board kept changing the priorities. The leadership team is dysfunctional, not me.

Externalizing is the mirror image of personalizing, and it’s just as dangerous. It means placing responsibility for your outcomes entirely outside yourself, and in doing so, giving up what you actually control: your own choices and responses.

I’ve watched genuinely skilled leaders stall out because they were so focused on what was being done to them that they never stopped to ask what they could do in response. And I get it—leaders are dealing with a lot right now. AI disruption, competitive pressure, a complicated talent market. Those are real forces. But leaders who get stuck here stop learning, stop adapting and eventually stop leading. They become spectators in their own situation.

The reframe:

What evidence supports that this situation was because of others or external factors—and what doesn’t? Name honestly what is outside your control. Then turn your attention to your own role. You almost certainly have more influence than it feels like right now.

3. Magnifying and Minimizing: Turning Up the Bad, Turning Down the Good

What it sounds like: We lost that account—this whole quarter has been a disaster. Their positive feedback was just them being polite.

When you turn up the volume on the negatives and turn it down on the positives, you get a distorted sense of your performance and your situation.

We work with a lot of high performers, who are particularly vulnerable to this thinking trap. The same high standards that drive them to excellence can make it nearly impossible to let a success land. One difficult client interaction overshadows a dozen strong ones. A single critical comment in a performance review drowns out months of genuine praise.

You can’t deploy your strengths more deliberately if you can’t see them clearly. Overanalyzing your failures while treating your successes as flukes isn’t humility—it’s leading from incomplete data.

The reframe:

Before you analyze what went wrong, identify what went right. Not as a feel-good exercise, but as a data-collection exercise. What specifically worked, and why?

4. Overgeneralizing: Mistaking a Moment for a Trend

What it sounds like: Every time we try something new, it fails. We’ve never been able to retain strong people here.

Overgeneralizing means drawing broad conclusions from limited evidence—and then treating those conclusions as fixed facts about yourself, your team or your organization.

One difficult presentation becomes “I’m a poor presenter.” A failed initiative becomes “We’re not good at executing new ideas.” Once we get set on those conclusions, they close off the possibility of fresh solutions. If you’ve already decided something “never” works, you stop looking for new approaches.

The reframe:

Replace “always,” “never” and “every time” with “this time” or “in this situation.” One data point is information. It’s not a pattern. And it’s certainly not a verdict about who you are or what you’re capable of.

5. Mind Reading: Assuming the Worst Without Asking

What it sounds like: I haven’t heard from her—she must think my proposal is a bad idea. He was quiet in that meeting; I know he’s frustrated with me.

Mind reading means assuming you know what someone else is thinking—and almost always assuming the worst.

As pressure and stress increase, so does the pull of this trap. When people are busy, communication breaks down. Emails don’t get returned promptly. Leaders get left out of meetings. They feel “in the dark,” and they instinctively start looking for patterns that might explain what’s happening. The stressed mind rushes in with a story, and it’s almost always a negative one—more about our own fears and insecurities than the actual situation.

I’ve seen mind reading cost leaders critical relationships, because they pulled back from someone based on a conclusion that had no basis in fact. I’ve also seen it cost organizations real momentum, because a leader assumed a key stakeholder was skeptical without ever testing that assumption.

The reframe:

Make it a practice to ask rather than assume. “I noticed you were quiet in that meeting—what was on your mind?” takes 10 seconds and can save hours of mental energy spent on a story that may not be true.

6. Emotional Reasoning: Treating Feelings as Facts

What it sounds like: I feel overwhelmed, so this must be an impossible situation. I’m anxious about this, which must mean I’m not ready.

Emotional reasoning means treating your emotional state as evidence about external reality, when in fact it’s only evidence about your internal state.

Emotions are real and they matter. But they are not always accurate reporters about what is happening around you. A leader who feels overwhelmed isn’t necessarily in an unmanageable situation. They may be depleted—physically or emotionally—or working without the right support, or simply in a chapter that calls for a different approach.

I see emotional reasoning showing up frequently around AI right now. Leaders who feel behind on understanding how AI is changing their industry often conclude, based on that feeling alone, that they aren’t equipped to lead through change. That feeling is worth paying attention to: It might be telling you to learn more, to ask for help, to slow down. But it’s not proof that you’re in the wrong seat.

The reframe:

Separate the feeling from the conclusion. “I feel overwhelmed” is a signal that something needs to shift. But “this is impossible” is a claim that deserves evidence before you act on it. Feelings are data, not verdicts.

7. Catastrophizing: Jumping Straight to Disaster

What it sounds like: If we don’t nail this next presentation, we could lose everything we’ve built. If I don’t figure out this AI transition, I’m going to lose my job.

Catastrophizing means jumping from a difficult present moment to a worst-case future—and then responding to the imagined disaster as if it’s already happening. When the environment is uncertain, the brain tries to protect itself by reaching for worst-case scenarios: If I imagine the disaster, maybe I can prevent it. But a mind that’s busy managing an imagined catastrophe can’t think clearly about the actual situation in front of it.

This is the energy drain I see most often in my work with senior leaders. I recently worked with a leadership team navigating intense pressure from key stakeholders—the kind of environment where every quarterly review felt high-stakes. They were spending enormous energy on contingency planning for outcomes that were unlikely, while the real issue—a cadence of communication with the stakeholders that was creating more anxiety than it resolved—went unaddressed. They were managing the wrong fire.

The reframe:

Bring yourself back to right now. Not the 17th step, not the worst-case outcome. Just the next concrete action. What is the first thing you need to do? Focus there. You can’t solve a problem you haven’t arrived at yet.

The Practice: From Stressed Leader to Strategic Leader

Thinking traps are not a sign of weakness or inadequacy. They’re a sign of being human—and of being in a demanding role. Every leader I’ve worked with, at every level of every organization, has experienced some version of every trap on this list. I have too.

We can’t stop our brains from generating these patterns. But we can take back our power by learning to recognize them and developing the habits that help us find our way back to clear thinking.

If you recognize yourself in one or more of the traps on this list, take that as a signal—not that something is wrong with you, but that you need a reset. Start with the physical foundations of self-care. You might be tired of reminders to get more sleep, but it really can change so much. So can real meals and regular movement. When you’re running on empty, every trap hits harder and faster. Protect your energy the way you’d protect any other strategic resource.

Then build the noticing habit. This week, pick one trap from the list—the one that seems to always snare you. Then, just once, catch yourself when you’ve fallen in. You don’t have to fix it immediately. Just notice it. Name it. And then ask yourself what you would say to a trusted colleague who was thinking this way.

You probably wouldn’t tell them the one bad quarter defined their career. You probably wouldn’t tell them that a silent inbox meant a lost relationship. Or that the worst-case outcome was inevitable.

You’d help them see the fuller picture. You’d remind them what they’re good at. You’d tell them the truth with kindness.

Give yourself the same clarity and compassion you’d give someone you respect.

Ready to Go Deeper?

When leaders are stuck in stress mode, the cost shows up in retention, decision-making and the performance of entire teams. For more than 17 years, we’ve helped leaders and organizations across industries build the skills to lead strategically through complexity and change. If you’re seeing these patterns in yourself or your leadership team, let’s talk. Reach out at neena@newberrysolutions.com, learn more about coaching and other offerings or explore New Lens®, our award-winning leadership development platform, at www.newlensleadership.com.

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Don’t wait for performance to drop before taking action. Discover how the New Lens® platform helps organizations support managers with bite-sized, actionable learning—built for today’s fast-paced, high-stress environments.

Leading Without Authority

I often hear complaints from people having trouble getting what they need from colleagues who don’t report to them. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Demonstrating leadership is possible (and important) in your job even if a word like “executive” or “officer” is not part of your job title. It takes understanding yourself and those around you.

When you aren't in a position of authority, you can't just direct people to take action. So, what strategies can you use instead? Here are three to try.

Determine how others view you

You'll be most effective in influencing others if you first examine your own reputation. What others think of you will affect how they interpret your suggestions. If, for example, you're known for always doing the right thing for the business, it may make it easier to get traction. Also consider whether any part of your reputation could stand in the way of what you're trying to accomplish. Perhaps your directness rubs some people the wrong way, so you may need to consider that as you develop the best approach.

Leverage your advocates

Get clear on who does have power and influence to help you in the current situation, and remember to consider informal and formal leaders. Based on the messages that need to be delivered, who would be most effective in conveying them? Who would have the biggest impact? Request the involvement of these individuals by explaining the bigger picture, the key business results you are trying to achieve.

Build alignment

To more effectively lead without authority, find the alignment between your goals and what's important to others. Look for the common ground you already share with the people you want to influence, and frame your suggestions in that context. Perhaps it's a commitment to innovation or customer service.

You can then work to drive alignment in other areas. People will be more receptive to what you want when you invest in taking time to understand their needs. How will what you're asking of them affect their results, their credibility and their relationships? What data and other information can you give them to show how will they benefit?

This week, think about something you're working on and one step you can take to leverage one of these strategies to make further progress. Even if you do have formal authority, this exercise can still be useful. Remember that small steps lead to big results. For more ideas on this topic, see the modules on Getting the Right Work Done and Building a Network of Advocates in the WOW! Lite Program℠

Increase Your Influence in One Conversation

We’re sharing ideas this month to help you be the kind of leader you want to be. This week, I want to tell you about a strategy that can make all the difference in managing a work relationship. I spent a large part of my career in various leadership roles at Deloitte. Every time I started a new project with a team, I would have a conversation with each person at the outset. Our discussion topics ranged from goals to strengths to communication styles.

First, we would talk about that person’s goals for the year and for her career as a whole.

• What skills and exposure do you want?

• Who do you want to work with and why?

• What are your specific goals for the current project?

• What would make you feel that the project was a great experience?

Next, I asked questions to get a handle on her strengths and preferences:

• In the context of the work we’re about to do, what should I know about what you’re really good at and any relevant past experiences? (This reveals critical information that otherwise might not surface as quickly and can be a good team exercise.)

• What is the best way to communicate with you (face-to-face or email)?

• If I need something from you quickly, what’s the best way to approach it?

As I learned more about each team member, I also shared what worked for me and my preferences as a leader.

From there, we set some agreements on working together. I let the team member know what I could offer through the current project that fit her goals. We could decide on a communication approach that worked for us both and on how we would gauge our progress along the way.

This conversation was a great way to set the stage for an open and effective working relationship. It allowed us to become more proactive about creating the right opportunities, and the team member understood that I was coming from a place of genuine interest in her goals and development.

Whether you’re working with a new team or an existing one, it’s never too late to ask some of these questions. This week, I challenge you to identify one conversation you’d like to have, or one question you would like to ask from the list above. You can find more ideas like this one in the chapter “Strategies to Create a High-Performing Team” in my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through a New Lens. Remember, small steps can lead to big results

Lead by Helping Others Grow

We're talking this month about what kind of leader you are. One of the leadership qualities that will help you succeed is the ability to develop others.  

Creating growth opportunities, though, can be easy to overlook in our rush to get things done. Take a look at the list below. Identify the strategies you already leverage well today and one or two that you would like to start doing to help others develop.

1. Ask people about their passions, interests and the type of opportunities they seek.

2. Give others opportunities to be the external face of the organization, such as with a professional association or community group.

3. Invite others to meetings that will give them exposure to senior leaders or raise their visibility.

4. Introduce people to others who can help them achieve their career goals.

5. Share a colleague’s accomplishments so that others can tap into their strengths, and to give them more visibility.

6. Give feedback in the moment on what your team members do well and suggestions about how to be even more effective.

7. Delegate work with a team member's professional development in mind.

8. Ask someone to deliver a presentation to share their knowledge and raise their profile.

9. Give an opportunity for a rotation or a special assignment (beyond a stretch project).

10. Give a team member an opportunity to provide peer mentoring.

What did you notice about how you're creating growth opportunities for others? I challenge you to put at least one of these ideas into play more powerfully this week. For more ideas on creating a high-performing team, check out my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through A New Lens.

The Power of Celebrating Successes

When was the last time you celebrated success — I mean, really celebrated? As high performers, we often go without a break from one project to the next, not pausing to look at what we learned or how far we and others have come.  

But taking time to notice and acknowledge is crucial. We're talking about lifting others up this month, and celebrating their successes is one of the key ways to do that.

The first step is getting in the practice of acknowledging your own successes and looking at what you did to make them happen. You can then expand that kind of thinking to your team. We're not talking about just taking "rah-rah" moments, but rather looking at the positive impact made by others and how they did it.

Here are five easy-to-implement strategies to get you started.

• Use regular debrief sessions. When a project or a meeting is complete, take a few minutes to talk about what went well. (Of course, you should also discuss what to do differently next time, but don't gloss over the positives in a rush to offer suggestions.)

• Ask people what they are the most proud of in how they accomplished something. You'll learn about what motivates them, which is important information to know as you work to lift others.

• Start meetings by asking people to share their successes or what's going well. This gives them permission to get excited about their victories, and it gives you more insight as a leader.

• Send handwritten notes to highlight something specific a team member did well, or make a point to give one-on-one praise outside of group debrief sessions. This reinforces what you value and want to see more of.

• Don't forget little symbolic gestures. A celebration of success doesn't have to be something formal or planned. Giving a funny memento of a project or taking the team out for an impromptu lunch or happy hour are meaningful ways to show appreciation,

Celebrating successes can help keep your team members engaged and give them insights on how they can repeat their successes. Whatever strategies you choose, take a few minutes to bring more celebration into your week. For more ideas on bringing out the best in yourself and others, check out my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out. Leadership Through a New Lens.

The Balancing Act Between Teaching and Solving

Has this ever happened to you? One of your team members comes to you to talk about how to deal with an issue. But by the end of the conversation, you find that somehow the issue has become yours to solve. In a situation like this, you’re typically faced with balancing the need to solve the problem quickly and using it as an opportunity to build your team member’s capabilities.

When leaders feel significant time pressure or stress, they may intervene in their team’s problems more often than they should. What typically happens to you? When someone approaches you with an issue, how often do you dive right in and take action? How often do you start by asking questions to help the team member resolve the issue himself?

If your inclination is to jump into problem-solving mode, consider asking your team member the following questions first:

• “What’s most important to you about the issue?”

• “What problem are you really trying to solve?”

• “What have you tried already, and what did you learn from that?”

• “What would you like me to do in this situation?”

That last one is especially important: Get to the heart of what someone is truly asking before taking action. Does your team member just need you to listen, does she need your help brainstorming or would she like you to remove an obstacle to her progress? Don’t make assumptions.

Finally, pay attention to who owns implementation of the solution before you have finished the conversation. In some instances, you may want to take over due to the nature of the issue and sensitivity of the situation. However, challenge yourself to consider how you can help the individual be successful in resolving it himself or with the support of others.

This week, notice how you respond when your team approaches you with problems. Pay attention to your patterns and look for ways to guide your team to resolve more on their own. By keeping your priorities and your team’s development front and center, you will accomplish far more in the long run – by building a stronger team and strategically focusing your energy and effort.

Develop Your Team While Managing Your Energy

One of my clients recently struggled with a leadership dilemma: Her high performers energized her, while the team members who need more development — and thus more of her time — often left her drained. If her situation rings true for you, here are three ideas to help you guide your team’s growth while managing other priorities as well.  

Notice Your Energy On any team, some people will take more of your time and energy. How does spending time with them affect you? And how does it affect the way you engage with the rest of your team? Based on what you notice from your answers to these questions, proactively plan energizing activities or interactions right after draining situations. Remember that the quality of the activity matters more than the quantity of time you spend doing it, so it can be quick.

Express Gratitude Acknowledge and appreciate what each team member is doing right. We often take for granted that people know what’s working and focus our feedback on what should change, but your team needs to hear what they’re doing well so that they know to keep doing it. Be specific. Just saying “You’re doing a good job” doesn’t provide much useful information. And be prompt. Take a minute to pull your team member aside after a meeting or conference call to review what she did well. I also have clients who carve out a few minutes each week to send emails acknowledging good work. Quick tactics like these will give you energy while maximizing your team members’ strengths.

Cultivate the Right Mindset When working with the team members who require more of your energy, go in with a mindset of acceptance: They are who they are. What’s the best way to engage with them? And do you need to set any boundaries? Of course, you’re focused on helping the team member succeed, but also think about what you need in order to participate in a positive way. For example, I have a client who often lets feedback conversations drag on too long. And that has turned into reluctance to initiate this kind of conversation, even when it is important. By simply setting some time limits for these conversations, he changed his whole energy around these interactions.

This week, identify which of these strategies you will put into play. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

Working with Millennials…and Everyone Else

Millennials are all around us. These young, enthusiastic Generation-Y professionals are gaining a foothold in the workplace and the world. Born in the early 1980s, these workers have been viewed across a broad spectrum from adaptable and skilled multitaskers to lazy, entitled and unmanageable job hoppers. Media outlets touting “30 under 30” and “The Young Entrepreneurs” are feeding the stereotype. A recent study by Cornerstone OnDemand focused on three generations' views of workplace technology. The State of Workplace Productivity study shared some interesting insights…as well as misconceptions about the working preferences of younger versus older workers.

The Cornerstone study revealed that millennials prefer in-person team work and are pro-gadget, but also may be hitting their tech limit. "Gen-Y workers, whom we have largely pigeonholed as having an insatiable appetite for technology, are expressing both a desire for more human, face-to-face interaction and frustration with information and technology overload," said Jason Corsello of Cornerstone OnDemand, which released its survey in November 2013.

So how do you work with – and for – them? In my book Show Up. Step Up. Step Out., one of the chapters offer four practical strategies on creating a high performing team (among a host of other strategies to boost your effectiveness). Check it out to see if these easy-to-implement tips can help you reach your goals.

Set the Tone for 2014 with the Right Conversations

As last year ended, I encouraged you to reflect on what you learned in 2013 and what you want to take forward and leave behind. To support your goals and set the tone for the new year, consider three potential conversations that could move the ball in the right direction:

Your boss Kick off the year with a clear idea about what’s expected of you and your priorities for the next twelve months. To avoid misdirected time and energy, clarify and confirm with your boss what success really looks like. If your boss can’t articulate it for you, define success as you see it and ask for feedback.

Your team Make the highest and best use of your time and talent while building stronger capability within your team. Talk to individual team members about potential projects that can help them expand their skills and/or expertise. Look for opportunities within existing projects, whether that involves delegating some of your own work or redefining project roles. It may free up some of your time, and give you capacity to focus on where you can add the most value.

Your support staff Leverage your support staff to keep you focused. Have a conversation to make sure they are clear about your highest priorities (e.g., specific projects, relationships, and results) so they can help you focus and manage your time more effectively.  Enlist your staff to protect time for what matters most, including appointments with yourself to reflect and follow up, and to ensure that you are accessible.

Whether it’s these topics or others, this week I challenge you to initiate at least one conversation to lay the groundwork for a successful 2014. And remember, small steps can lead to big results.

How Do You Influence Others?

As leaders, we depend on the ability to influence those around us to garner support, drive organizational changes, and execute on our day-to-day responsibilities. If you’ve been feeling less than influential lately, start by evaluating your approach. The Center for Creative Leadership identifies three tactics for influencing: Head, Heart and Hand.

• Head – a logical appeal focused on organization and individual benefits and typically full of data and facts

• Heart – an emotional appeal linked to something the person cares about such as individual goals and values

• Hand – a cooperative appeal that offers collaboration, consultation, and alliances

First, identify which approach typically influences you.  Then consider which one you typically rely on to influence others.  They are often one in the same. Remember that persuasive leaders can skillfully use all three methods and select the approach most effective for the audience at hand.

By consistently matching your influence style to the individual, you will see people shift from resistance or compliance to true commitment – which can generate results with less effort.

This week, strategically consider what approach will resonate with the next person you want to influence, based on what you know about him or her. This small step can affect whether or not your message is heard or any action is taken on your behalf.

Making Awkward Feedback Easier

Whether you’re a new manager or veteran executive, there’s a certain kind of employee conversation that never seems to get any easier.

I’m sure you’ve been faced with it: An employee has a behavior, habit, or mannerism that’s giving people the wrong impression of her or diminishing her effectiveness. It’s not a performance issue, but it affects how the employee is perceived. And she probably doesn’t even realize she’s engaging in it.

I’ve worked with clients who dread these conversations and put them off. They’re worried that their feedback will be misunderstood, that they might damage the relationship or create needless drama. To help them take action, I remind them that as difficult as this kind of feedback can be to deliver, they are offering it out of genuine concern for the employee and a desire to help her succeed.

Here are three simple steps that can make these conversations easier.

1. Start with your intent

Remember that you’re having this conversation because you care about the employee and want to help her remove an obstacle that’s holding her back. You can always acknowledge that this is an awkward situation for both of you, but that it’s important to talk about the behavior. If you were in her shoes, you would want to hear the feedback. Expressing compassion and your own vulnerability can create a stronger connection in the moment and may help defuse the tension.

2. Communicate the impact

Help the employee understand her behavior by identifying it, providing information on when and where you’ve noticed it occurring, and sharing its impact. For example, maybe her sour expression surfaces primarily in long meetings with a key stakeholder group. Talk about the effect, from what you see or what you’ve heard from others. “I know this isn’t what you intend, but I’ve heard others say that your facial expressions sometimes leave them with the impression that you are resistant to their ideas.”

3. Be part of the solution

Offer ideas about what she should do more or less of. Sometimes it can be very powerful to ask the employee to focus on how she wants to show up in the interaction. In other words, by helping her identify what she does want others to notice or take away from their interaction with her (e.g., openness to ideas), she may stop engaging in the other limiting behavior.

After that, it’s a matter of finding tactics that work for her. That could mean using a visual reminder like a note with the word “open” on it, so she can see it during her meeting and pay more attention to her body language. If an employee is receptive to it, offer to help her monitor the behavior. That could involve giving a cue when the employee starts to engage in the distracting behavior during a meeting or setting aside time for feedback after the meeting.

This week, consider whether there’s an awkward conversation you’ve been putting off and decide how you will approach it with the mindset of helping your employee succeed. While it may be a difficult moment for both of you in the short term, ultimately you will find that it strengthens your relationship and builds trust in the long run. Remember, small steps lead to big results.

Put Your Coaching Skills to Work

As you know, I returned from ICF Conference in London two weeks ago. Now that I have had a chance to think about the experience a bit more, I realized how much change coaching can affect. Yes, I know it sounds weird coming from an executive coach. But as I sat in a ballroom of almost 1000 coaches from 58 countries, hearing example after example of how coaches have rallied together to help local communities recover after massive natural disasters, helped companies drive unprecedented business results, and collaborated to build coaching skills; I was truly proud to be part of the profession. It inspired me to do more and think about how I can continue to work with my clients and our local ICF chapters to think even bigger. So today, I want to challenge you to think about how you will put your coaching skills to work.

When was the last time you asked someone how you could help them achieve their career goals?

Throughout the years, I have regularly asked each of my teams what they want to get out of a particular project or experience, whether it was something work-related or a volunteer opportunity. Doing this allowed me to think more strategically about their development and how I could put my network to work for them. Many of you may have conversations about career goals as part of the performance management process (goal setting, mid-year, and year end), but I encourage you to revisit them throughout the year.

How often do you delegate with development in mind?

As you gain experience, certain aspects of your job may feel routine. So you may underestimate how much you can teach others about what you do and how you do it. The next time you delegate something, do it with the other person’s development in mind. How can you stretch them? How can you leverage their strengths? Asking these questions may shift how you position the work and how you work with the person to complete it.

How much do you advise versus coach?

Although there are times when people truly need your advice (perhaps because they don’t know what they don’t know), there’s so much power in asking thought-provoking questions to generate new insight. This can change a person’s perspective and the choices they ultimately make about the path forward. So before you think about jumping straight to giving advice, stop and ask yourself whether an open-ended question could be more impactful.

So, I urge you to put your coaching skills to work this week. Identify one step you’ll take to make a difference. And remember that small steps can lead to big results.

© 2012 Neena Newberry | All rights reserved.

Looking from the Outside In

I remember the first time I worked with an executive coach when I was a Director at Deloitte. It was truly eye-opening. People who know me well know that I'm a self-help book junkie and my own worst critic. However, when you're in the thick of the day-to- day pressures and demands there are some things that you just can't "see" on your own. It usually has nothing to do with your intelligence, but has more to do with whether you can find ways to "look at the situation from the outside in." Let me give you an example of a recent client, Suzy, a leader frustrated about an employee's subpar performance. She was convinced he had potential and was trying to figure out how to help him improve. I asked Suzy to explain in detail how she was working with this particular person. As we got deeper into the conversation, she shared that she was giving him recommendations, checking in with him daily, and personally investing a lot of her time. Nonetheless, she saw no notable change in his performance.

I asked whether she thought he had the intellectual horsepower and capacity to do the job, and Suzy immediately said, "Yes." Hearing this, I realized that Suzy may have some blind spots about the situation. So, I asked her a series of questions to help her "look at the situation from the outside in." These questions might come in handy the next time you find yourself in a perplexing situation:

1. What is your underlying intent in this situation?

"I want to keep this employee in the company. His technical skills and knowledge are valuable and hard to replace, and he has potential. I want to help him in any way that I can."

2. What is at stake?

"I'm relatively new in my role. If this fails, I will be viewed as a failure. It will take forever to find a good replacement. I have to make this work."

3. What messages are you sending through your words and actions, regardless of your intent?

Words - "I am willing to invest my time to help you improve. I am concerned about your performance but think you have potential. I want to keep you in this company."

Actions - "Daily meetings with him and sometimes his team, offering numerous recommendations, dedicating hours of my time to him each week despite other priorities."

Messages Conveyed by these Actions - "I don't trust you, so I need to look over your shoulder every day. I don't think you can do the job, so I'm going to do it for you. My way is the best way, so this is how you should do it."

4. If roles were reversed, how would you feel in this situation?

"Incompetent, embarrassed, like I'm about to be fired and should be looking for another job."

By answering these questions, Suzy realized the pressure she felt and how she was sabotaging her own efforts to improve her employee's performance. So, we took her insight and came up with a different approach - one that engaged her employee in the solution without micromanaging him. I'm pleased to say that she is finally seeing that potential turn into performance.

So, keep these four questions handy and find someone to help you objectively look at your situation "from the outside in."