This Women's History Month, Amplify Your Influence

Happy Women's Hitory Month! Each March, we celebrate how women have influenced the course of U.S. history. I hope this special observance has your thinking about how to more powerfully put your own influence into play.

The ability to influence has always been one of the most important skills for leaders. Today, that's truer than ever. As leadership structures become less hierarchical, companies increasingly emphasize getting things done through influence instead of formal authority. Innovation is vital, and the leaders who deliver innovation are those who can "win over (employees') hearts and minds" to create change, McKinsey reports. The CEOs who are best at engaging others create detailed plans on how to influence.

The action plan in this article will guide you through building your influence in a way that's authentic to your leadership style.

What Does Influence Mean to You?

Many leaders want to be more influential. But that can mean different things to different people. It all depends on how you want others to perceive your leadership. These questions can help you identify the kind of influencer you want to be.

• What do you want others to say about your influence? This is a variation of the question I ask clients when I help them define their leadership brand. What are the top three things you’d want someone to say if they were describing your influence style? For example, maybe it's important to you that others see you as a leader who influences by thoughtfully sharing relevant information, focusing on win/win approaches and keeping the other party’s best interest at heart.

• What kinds of decisions do you want to influence? We all have our strengths. What types of decisions could you influence today based on how others view your strengths? These could include shaping vision, defining strategies, making changes to business operations or staffing decisions. On the other hand, think about what types of decisions would be harder for you to influence based on how others perceive your strengths.

• Whom do you want to influence? Do you want clients or other leaders in your industry to see you as a thought leader? Or is it more important to you to influence others inside your organization, such as peers, direct reports and company leaders? Even if it is a mix of both, defining your target audience will help you build influence faster.

Influence Starts With Credibility

Now that you know more about the kind of influencer you want to be, it's time to shape your plan to become influential. Where should you start? Credibility is at the heart of influence. Without credibility, you can’t effectively influence, no matter what approach you take.

Not sure whether others see you as credible enough to influence a particular area? Seek some feedback. If you hear questions about your credibility, correct any misperceptions by helping others see your strengths and the results you create. Share examples of how you consistently add value, in a way that’s relevant for the audience.

If you’re like many high performers, though, you may need to take a step back before you can do this. We often underestimate our own strengths and all that we contribute. If you don't understand why you're "kind of a big deal," you can't effectively share that information with others. And that undercuts your influence. Affirm your credibility to yourself by keeping a log of what worked well for you in your latest successes. Then you'll be more ready to demonstrate your credibility to others.

Influencers See the Big Picture

The intelligence, insight and other qualities you bring to the table are just part of what makes you influential as a leader. You also have to be known as someone who’s not just in it for yourself. Connect what you do to the big picture of what’s right for the organization. Sometimes we can be so clear in our own heads about what we are doing that we forget that others may not understand the intent behind our words and actions.

For example, if you speak just about your (or your department’s) goals and priorities, it can leave others wondering whether your motivation is self-serving. That can quickly erode your credibility. So look for opportunities, big and small, to communicate your big picture and priorities to others – the “what” and the “why.” You don’t have to create new forums to do so; you can leverage existing meetings and opportunities.

Influence Grows Through Relationships

One of the biggest mistakes I see my executive coaching clients make is confusing position and influence. Titles on the org chart don’t tell the full story. All organizations have formal leaders whose power ties to their positions. But they also have informal leaders who shape what really gets done.

Being an influential leader means looking beyond formal structures and recognizing that it’s not just your position (or someone else’s position) that makes things happen. You have to understand, cultivate and leverage relationships, with both formal and informal leaders.

Hone Your Process for Influence

The final part of the influence equation relates to the processes you use to build influence. Be strategic about how you leverage and engage others. For example, how often do you hold the “meeting before the meeting” to get buy-in from others and avoid surprises? Are you enlisting help from the messengers your audience will find credible? Look at what you do today and for any small tweaks you could make to bring others along more effectively.

What Does Using These Influence Strategies Look Like?

Now let's bring all of that together. Think about an upcoming decision you'd like to influence. First, identify who will really make the decision. If you aren’t sure about the political dynamics in your company, ask people you trust who have been around long enough to know. Frame your questions in the right context by communicating how a better understanding of the landscape will help you avoid landmines and more quickly deliver what the business needs. But don’t stop there. Go beyond identifying this group of decision-makers to also understanding whom they trust and rely on for advice and input.

Now consider how to best share your ideas. In other words, who would be the best messenger(s) for your ideas? To influence the outcome you want, it may not be you. Never forget how much the messenger matters.

Once you have thought through the dynamics and who can help you, frame your ideas to enlist the support of key stakeholders. What is important to you and to each of these individuals? What are the key points of connection, and how should you communicate those? Choose the right words to help others see your focus on what’s best for the business and not your own personal agenda.

Set Your Goals as an Influencer

Ready to use what you've learned to become more influential? It helps to set concrete goals. For example, how long would it take you to build the knowledge and track record needed to exert the influence you want to have? Whom do you need to engage along the way? To focus your efforts, define one or two small steps along with deadlines. Once you’ve completed those steps, define the next one or two. This will help you move forward without feeling overwhelmed.

As you work your game plan, remember that influence is not about manipulation. It is about helping your company achieve desired results, in a way that is authentic, genuine and relationship-oriented. You can find more strategies like these in my Leadership EDGE Series℠ booklet on Building Influence.

6 Secrets of Women Who Always Have Energy

Has all the newness worn off the new year? Are you already counting the days until your spring break trip? Then it's time to tune up your energy level. With all the work and personal demands that fill your days, be deliberate about maintaining your energy. Fortunately, there are lots of easy steps you can take during your day to recharge and renew. Here are some of the key strategies that energetic women share. 

1. Spend time with people who energize them

The people you’re around regularly have a huge effect on whether you feel lively and energized or depleted and crabby. Think of how you can get some time with people who lift you up. Maybe that means scheduling lunch with your favorite former boss or making a coffee run with the co-worker who always makes you laugh. Bonus: Cultivating relationships also helps you build a career-boosting network.

At the same time, be mindful about your exposure to the other kind of people: the ones who drain your energy. How can you manage the amount of time you spend with your de-energizers? Or what can you do before or after seeing them to replenish the energy they take from you?

2. Avoid mental traps that drain their energy

Sometimes we drag our own energy down with negative self-talk and destructive ways of thinking. For example, do you tend to take things personally, assume the worst, or exaggerate the impact of any event or setback? No wonder you're feeling stressed and exhausted! Check out my article on common "thinking traps" to identify your negative thought patterns and replace them with more positive, energizing thoughts.

3. Know their unique energy patterns

We all have different energy patterns. It's important to understand yours and make the most of them. For one week, monitor your energy level every two to three hours. Keep a log of this information. At the end of the week, consider these questions:

• What days of the week or times of day did you have the most energy?

• What days of the week or times of day did you have the least energy, even if you hadn’t done anything unusually taxing? 

• What types of activities gave you the most energy? 

• What types of activities drained your energy?

Use your own patterns to develop strategies to help you better manage your energy throughout the day. If you have more energy in the morning, try to schedule your challenging work or meetings then. If your energy slumps midday, what one thing can you do to give yourself a boost?

4. Take time to reflect

One of the most effective ways to be more productive is by creating space to be more strategic. Setting aside time to reflect will bring new energy to your work. Start by putting just 10-15 minutes on your calendar once a week to process what happened at your recent meetings and prepare for upcoming ones. Work your way up to 15 minutes several times a week, and then an hour several times per week. This will also help you stay on top of your biggest priorities and maximize your productivity.

5. Use self-care to strategically boost their energy

Do you any of these statements apply to you?

• I rarely get more than seven hours of sleep in a night.

• I exercise fewer than three times per week.

• I often skip meals or eat unhealthy food.

If you skimp on self-care, your energy and perspective will suffer. Yet many people, especially women, fall into this trap. You might think, “How could I possibly take time for ME right now when there’s so much to do and others rely on me?” In this view of the world, self-care is a luxury, a “nice-to-have.” In reality, though, self-care leads to a more sustainable way of working and living, so you can provide the support others need from you.

At the end of the day, what we’re talking about is energy management. Resist the temptation to keep giving and giving without taking enough time to renew your own energy. As you may know from firsthand experience, it can lead to burnout or resentment pretty quickly.

6. Express gratitude more often

Research has shown that gratitude makes us happier, healthier and more resilient. Yet we're less likely be grateful at work than we are in other aspects of our lives.

Taking the time to feel and express gratitude can lift your energy — and the energy of those around you. One way to do this is to express appreciation to someone who has made a difference for you this year. The more specific your feedback, the more energy you and the other person will get from the experience. Taking five minutes each day to simply notice the things for which you are grateful, whether it’s in the morning before the mad dash begins or at the end of the day, will give you a boost.

Try one or more of these strategies the next time you start to feel tapped out. And for one more easy energy boost, pick up my Highlight Audio℠. With a sampling of strategies from the full WOW! Women On the Way to Peak Performance Program℠, this audio training will help make the most of every minute, whether you're working out at the gym, traveling to a meeting or waiting in the carpool line.

The Top 10 Things Successful Women Do

I’ve spent thousands of hours coaching leaders over the past twelve years, which has given me the opportunity to get an “up close and personal” look at what impacts their success.  As much as we’d like to think the playing field is similar for men and women, women typically face different types of challenges at work and they play different roles at home. So, naturally, we would expect to see some differences in what successful women do. 

Successful women:

1. Realize that they’ve already earned their current role and fully assume the position.

2. Recognize that their own behavior plays a huge role in “teaching” others how to treat them.

3. Own their value by accepting and appreciating positive feedback and by speaking up.

4. Authentically invest in cultivating sponsors — leaders with power and influence.

5. Understand the importance of ethically engaging in vs. opting out of office politics.

6. Negotiate for what they want.

7. Proactively share their positive business results in a way that others can learn and benefit from.

8. Know the importance of designing a “sustainable model” that honors their personal and professional priorities.

9. Drive for results in a way that maintains or strengthens relationships.

10. Pave the way for other women.

As you read through this list, what resonated for you? What one step can you take this week to bring it to life for yourself or for another woman you work with? If nothing else, keep this list handy as a quick reminder and share it with other women. 

And always remember that small steps can lead to big results. 

10 Strategies to Lead with Powerful Intention in 2020

This new year won't be new much longer! It's not too late, though, to set powerful intentions for 2020. But with so many priorities competing for your attention, how do you decide what your intentions should be? Consider focusing on one (or more) of these leadership strategies that have consistently made a difference for my executive coaching clients.

1. Live with purpose. Let your passion and personal priorities guide you.

2. Always take the high road. One negative, memorable moment has a long shelf life — especially the higher you move up the ladder. Find an outlet outside work to vent.

3. Align your words and actions. When they are out of sync, your actions will always speak louder. You can say that you know how to prioritize or that you value work/life balance, but what are you modeling?

4. Pay attention to relationships just as much as results. People care about what you do and how you do it.

5. Demonstrate your positive intent through your behavior. You can have the best intentions or results in the world. If people consistently have challenging experiences with you, neither of those things will matter to them.

6. Invest time to network. Networking is part of your job, not something you do if you have spare time. It gives you access to important resources to do your job and manage your career.

7. Stay humble but tastefully toot your own horn. It will help others understand and tap into your strengths.

8. Celebrate success even if you think you are “just doing your job.” It will boost your energy and that of the people around you.

9. Strategically integrate self-care into your life. Self-care isn’t a sign of weakness or just “nice to have.” The best leaders know it is key to high performance and satisfaction. Pay attention to what your body, not just your mind, is telling you.

10. Give yourself that empathy that you so freely give to others. You are doing the best you can with where you are in your life.

Which one of these leadership strategies will you to focus on right now? How will you keep it front and center this week?

Looking for more leadership advice and inspiration? From corporate programs to coaching to books and audio, you'll find tools on my website tailored to your needs.

3 Leadership Lessons from the Racetrack

I love fast cars. One of my most memorable moments of last year was racing on the Formula 1 track in Austin. There's nothing like 600 horsepower at 143 mph!

In many ways, driving on that track reminded me of the corporate world: zipping around at a fast pace, wondering whether the risks you take will put you in the lead or make you crash and burn, and navigating challenging twists and turns.

Are you ready to shift into high gear when the pressure is on in 2020? Here are three lessons I took away from my F1 experience.

1. Fill Your Tank

In a Formula 1 race, you can’t run out of gas. You need a game plan for pit stops. Similarly, on the corporate track, you must have enough energy for the long haul. 

Most people get this, but high performers often lose sight of their need to manage their energy — especially when they are going full steam ahead and navigating unexpected changes.

Some just try to push through, so one of the first things to go for them is rest. They convince themselves that they don’t have time for breaks, although research shows that high-quality two-minute breaks throughout the day can significantly boost their energy and productivity. One of the most effective breaks you can take is to simply breathe deeply for 30 seconds. 

Forcing yourself to sit for hours won’t help you get more done either, because your energy hits peaks and valleys in 90-minute cycles. If you keep draining your tank without refilling it, you just won’t make it to the finish line.

2. Lean on Your Crew

F1 drivers depend on a great crew to help them. In the corporate world, this translates to having the right support team — and knowing how to best engage them. No one tells you this point-blank, but after a certain point in your career, relationships matter much more than results — because investing in them is the best way to deliver those results.  

When you're in stressful situations at work, like navigating unexpected twists and turns or moving at a fast pace, take time to help people understand what happens to you. For example, you may take on a more directive, controlling style. However, that behavior may be more about ensuring high quality or helping your team during crunch time and less about mistrust or perfectionism. What do you want people to really know about how your behavior changes when you’re moving fast or dealing with uncertainty or change?

3. Focus on Where You Want to Go

On the racetrack, if you want to win the race, you can’t simply navigate each turn. To maximize the opportunity, you must focus on where you want to go. By doing this, you will position yourself to go much faster coming out of each turn. 

Similarly, at work, don’t let your short-term focus interfere with the bigger picture. Help people understand that you get what matters strategically. Where are you taking them over the long haul? And what’s the unique opportunity that you see in each twist or turn — perhaps a bigger competitive advantage that others haven’t noticed?

We all find ourselves in situations where we have to move quickly, handle unexpected challenges, and maintain enough energy to get to the finish line. Be more intentional about how you take care of yourself, engage with others and focus on the ultimate goal. You’ll be in a much better position to win the race.   

Whatever is ahead for you in 2020, you can find resources to support you on my website. From corporate programs to coaching to books and audio, you'll find tools tailored to your needs.

How to Stay Focused Before the Holiday Break

The fast pace of work seems to get even more hectic as the year winds down and the holidays get closer. You probably have more work to do than you can actually complete in a day, and distractions are everywhere. It's easy to feel scattered and that you aren't accomplishing anything meaningful. So today I want to share some ways to regain your focus and make the final workweek of 2019 a productive one. You can also use these strategies to get 2020 off to a productive start.

1. Prioritize the Right Work

The first strategy is to always focus systematically on what matters the most. In other words, focus on the “right work” — the work that will have the biggest impact on business results. That typically includes just three or four priorities. How clear are you about what those should be? If you haven’t recently identified where you should focus to have the biggest business impact, given your role and skills, take a few minutes to do so.

Raising your awareness about this will help you start making different choices about how you spend your time. You may be juggling a lot of balls, but are they the right ones? Make sure you take some time to evaluate that. 

2. Set Aside Reflection Time

During this hectic season, you need quiet time more than ever. Book an appointment with yourself to step away from your tasks and just reflect. Whether you're identifying the right work, finding ways to create more capacity in your schedule or preparing for what’s coming up next year, blocking time will allow you to be much more deliberate.

3. Shut Out Distractions

Also recognize when you need uninterrupted time to complete important work. Leave your desk if you think you’ll have too many distractions. You can go to a conference room or another quiet area of your office. Sometimes it can help to work a little bit from home before you come to the office.

4. Take Control of Email

Another big distraction is email. Put some more structure in place for how you manage your inbox. When I ask people if they get more than 100 emails a day, most say yes. And a lot of them get distracted by each email as it comes in because there’s a notification. So, regardless of what they are doing, they get derailed by an email that might not be that important compared with what they should be working on.

A great first step toward getting a handle on email is turning off notifications. Resist the temptation to constantly check your email. Instead check it at specific intervals throughout the day. 

5. Tell Others What You're Doing

No matter what strategies you use to stay focused, communicate them to others. For example, let others known about your new approach to email so that they know how to get hold of you if something urgent comes up at a time when you're not checking email. You might say, “Text or call me if it’s something that can’t wait.”

These conversations help others understand that you are taking steps to increase your efficiency, responsiveness and ability to get the most critical work done. It will get them thinking about your effectiveness and what they should be doing to improve their own. 

Pick at least one of these strategies to try and notice how the changes you make affect your productivity. For more tips like these, check out "Staying in the Driver's Seat," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE℠ series.

One Overlooked Behavior That Can Destroy Your Brand

A positive leadership brand takes time to build, but it can also be quickly destroyed. Today, I want to share one of the ways that I see people at all leadership levels erode their brand every day. 

Picture this scenario. You’re busy, life is moving at a fast pace, and your days are full of meetings. You get an email. Before you know it, it isn’t even visible on your screen because so many other emails have come in. The message requires a response, but for you it’s already out of sight and out of mind. A week or two goes by and the sender reluctantly forwards it to you again. And the same thing happens.

I understand that you’ve got a lot on your plate. But, in your flurry of activity, how often do you stop to consider the impact of your lack of responsiveness — in particular, the impact on your personal brand? 

If roles were reversed, what would go through your head if you didn’t get a response to your email? Initially, you may make excuses for the unresponsive person, such as that he or she:

• Didn’t see your message or forgot to reply. We all get too much email every day. It was just an oversight.

• Is really busy. It must be a hectic week.

• Is out of the office traveling or on vacation and forgot to put an out-of-office message in place.

But, over time, you may draw some big negative conclusions about the person, even if you initially had a more positive impression. 

You might assume that he or she is:

• Disrespectful of your time. You don’t have time to keep following up on this. 

• Disorganized and doesn’t know how to prioritize or keep track of things.

• Overwhelmed and unable to manage time effectively. 

• Not someone you can count on. Responsiveness and follow-through are such foundational expectations.

• Definitely not ready for more responsibility. If something this small takes so long, what would happen on the bigger, more important stuff?

You may not agree with these conclusions, and some of them may feel unfair. But these are very real possibilities depending on how long you have behaved this way. Although you may have perfectly valid reasons for taking so long to respond, at some point the other person just won’t care why.    

Lack of responsiveness and follow-through are simply not what you want to be known for. 

If you struggle with these behaviors, start by identifying one small step that you can take to get on top of them. Remember that a little bit of structure can go a long way. That could mean taking 15 minutes to prioritize each day, organizing email into folders (high, medium, low priority) as you get them, checking email at intervals and adding reminder flags to them, delegating to others who can respond or take action on your behalf, or getting some non-essential activities off your plate. Whatever it is, just get started and hold onto that positive brand that you have worked so hard to build.

How to Set Yourself Up for Success

Over the past few weeks, I've shared a series of articles about taking stock of where you are, what you're really about and what you want to create for yourself. We've talked about getting unstuck, defining success on your own terms and using passion to overcome fear.

No matter what you're working toward in your life, there's one more factor that can make a big difference in whether you achieve it: the messages you hear from both yourself and others.

Talk Back to Your 'Gremlins'

Some of the most important words you need to hear will come from you – the everyday messages and stories you tell yourself. When you're making a change in your life, the negative voices in your head can really kick into overdrive. I call them our "gremlins." Your gremlins might be pretty harsh, especially if you typically expect a lot from yourself. Maybe you’re thinking about leaving your company for new opportunities, but your gremlin keeps saying, “You’ll never find a job that is better than this one. You’re crazy to leave this well-paid position and start over somewhere else.”

But it's important to realize our gremlins are notoriously unreliable. Usually they're just our fear of change trying to be heard. And they'll pipe down when you talk back to them. You can do that by reminding yourself of your strengths, your past successes and the positive feedback you consistently receive. Replace your gremlins' doom-and-gloom stories with more empowering ones. This takes practice, but it works.

Build Your Support System

No matter how great a cheerleader you are for yourself, you need support from other people, too. Get the right supporters by your side and let them know how they can best lift you up. Spend time with people who energize you, especially if there are other people in your life who drain your energy. You might even discover that you need to add more passionate, motivated people to your circle and let go of some people who leave you depleted.

And no matter what career stage you are in, seek out mentors who can help you with the goals that are important to you now. To think and play bigger, you need to interact with people who can offer you fresh ideas, experiences and perspectives.

Take a couple of moments now to think about the messages you need to hear from both yourself and others as you work toward your goals. What's one step you can take this week to either give yourself more support or to accept more support from others? As you consider this question, I invite you to explore the tools that Newberry Executive Solutions offers to help you keep building your success.

How to Use Passion to Overcome Fear

In my last couple of articles, I've talked about getting unstuck and living by your definition of success instead of how others define it for you. As you continue down this path, you will start to run into your fears as you put yourself “out there” to: 

• Go down a new path with an uncertain outcome,

• Solicit feedback you may not agree with,

• Try something new,

• Go for what you want in a way you haven't before, or

• Own the role you have played in where you are today

What Can Keep You Going

But fear doesn’t have to stop you in your tracks. From my personal experience and that of my clients, I've seen how passion can help overcome fear. This is not about simply sucking it up and getting through the situation in front of you. Rather, it’s about understanding what’s really important about the specific goal or challenge at hand. 

For example, it could be about doing the right thing, making a meaningful difference, proving to yourself that you can do it, being a role model to others or something else. By clarifying and tapping into the power of your underlying values and passion, you will find strength you didn’t know you had.

This helped me immensely as I launched my own business. In my last article, I told you about deciding to leave my executive role at Deloitte. I certainly faced my share of fear – of leaving a successful career and failing in my next venture. 

And the process definitely had its ups and downs. Just three months after I launched my company in 2008, the Great Recession hit. To work through my anxiety and fear, I frequently reminded myself how important the goals behind my business were to me. I was — and still am — deeply committed to the mission of my company: to help high performers, especially women, get results they couldn’t before. I was equally passionate about designing the kind of life I wanted, in a way that worked for me. I wanted to be a better parent and to have more space for other people and experiences in my life. Connecting to that a holistic view of what truly mattered to me propelled me through all the challenges and uncertainty.

Facing Fear Head-On

This approach can work well in your personal life, too. If you've read this blog for a while, you know that I have a sense of adventure, love being outdoors and love to try new things. But I also have a fear of heights. In the past year, I’ve used my sense of adventure to motivate me to do things that felt pretty scary: a doors-off helicopter ride in Hawaii going over 100 mph, walking on a tightrope 35 feet in the air in Arizona, and going rock climbing for the first time and rappelling off an arch in Moab, Utah. None of these were easy to do. While I did these activities, I had to focus on the unbelievable scenery and mountains – the part of it that I really loved – instead of the pounding in my chest. Each time I put myself in a scary situation, it gets a little easier. And I’ve started to see myself differently, as someone who can conquer fear in any situation.

This week, identify an important goal or challenge in front of you and what it would mean to you if you achieved it. When you focus on the power of your passion, you will start focusing more on what you want instead of your fear. This small but critical shift can motivate you to move forward in the face of fear – to achieve big results.

Whose Definition of Success Are You Living?

In my last article, I talked about how to work through situations that make you feel stuck.

As you break old patterns, you will create more space to think about what you want and to define what success really looks like for you.

Define Success for Yourself

At one time or another, we all feel pressure to fit someone else’s definition of success. Expectations can come at you from different directions and may even contradict each other. For example, your boss might view success as being responsive to what the company needs no matter what time of day or night, while your parents might define it as showing up to every one of your kids’ soccer games. Your mentor might expect you to focus on getting more exposure to key leaders, while your colleagues might expect you to be accessible to help them problem-solve. 

Yes, that's a lot! So, it's no surprise that you might be working toward a definition of success that doesn’t fit what you really want.

I personally experienced that when I decided to end my 14-year career at Deloitte. I held an executive position and had financial freedom — two common measures of success. But I felt out of sync with my true self. At the time, my son was two years old and the intensity of my work made it hard for me to show up in my life in the way that I wanted to.  I knew there had to be a different way to pursue my passion.

Whether or not you already know what's out of sync, the following two steps can help you clarify your definition of success.

First, ask yourself what really matters to you at this stage of your life — personally and professionally.  Priorities can change over time, so I urge you to think about this holistically. Be honest with yourself about what’s important: financial security, advancing your career, developing new skills, building a stronger brand, spending more time with family and friends, having kids, or simply having more of a “life” than you do now.

Second, describe what it would look like in action at work and at home. What kinds of things would you be doing that would indicate that you are focusing on what matters most to you and living the life that you want? What would be happening? Let your mind run with this and see what emerges for you.  

Take That First Step

After you clarify what success means to you, start moving toward that vision.

This can feel overwhelming, so keep in mind that you don’t have to change everything all at once. What would that first step toward your goal look like? For me, it was a one-month sabbatical to clear my head, get away from it all, and reenergize. During that time, I did a mini immersion in the type of work I thought I wanted to do next. 

As your priorities and definition of success evolve throughout your life, you’ll repeat this cycle — feeling out of sync, clarifying what you want instead, and making change. In my own life, I haven't always known what I wanted to do next, but I have always taken action to figure it out. This approach has led me down an unexpected career path where I made big changes every three or four years, quit my job cold turkey three times without looking for another job first, and then ultimately started a business three months before a recession. I know I couldn’t have imagined that career journey or what my life looks like now.

Through all of this, one of the most valuable things I learned was to define success for myself, and to consistently use it as my guide. And then, to just take one small step at a time.  

So, what will your first step be?

Are You Feeling Stuck in a Loop?

I want to thank all of you for your responses to my TWU College of Business Commencement Speech and my recent article "Are You Tired of Being Strong?" Both seem to have really struck a chord with people. I think that's because they speak to a question we all grapple with: Amid our hectic lives, how do we stay grounded in who we really are and what we really want to be and achieve?

Over the next few weeks, I'll take a deeper dive into that theme with some articles that will help you own your full Purpose, Presence and Power. First, let's take a look at what might be holding you back and keeping you stuck. Have you ever wondered why the same types of challenging situations keep popping up in your life? 

You might think to yourself, “Am I a magnet for this? Why does this keep happening to me?” What I’ve come to realize through my own and my clients’ experiences is that there’s a lesson you need to learn when you feel stuck – perhaps a BIG one that you’ll never forget. And then, even when you think you’ve learned it, a situation will arise to help you confirm that you really have learned it.

Today, I want to share three probing questions to give you important insight to move past your frustration. This may be obvious, but don’t attempt to answer these questions when you are annoyed. You won’t get very far! If you’re annoyed all the time, empty your head first: Get a pen and unload all of your negative thoughts — uncensored — onto a piece of paper. Remember to breathe as you do this. This simple exercise will keep your thoughts from swirling around over and over and will begin to create problem-solving capacity. 

Now that you’re ready to reflect, here are a few questions and examples to get you started:

1. What pattern exists in the situation?  

• I am carrying more than my fair share of the workload. 

• Others don’t notice or appreciate everything I do. They just don’t get it. I am not getting the credit, recognition or appreciation that I deserve.

2. What role are you and others playing in the situation? 

• People keep asking me for help, even at the last minute, and I don’t say no. 

• I pick up the slack when I see that a deadline is at risk. 

• I proactively jump in when I see an unfilled need.

3. What’s really going on for you? 

Regardless of others’ motivations, what positive intent or core values are behind your own behavior?

• I value my relationships, so I don’t make waves when I am frustrated. 

• I have high standards and don’t want to fail. I am not the kind of person who misses deadlines or does poor work.

• I want to feel valued and play an important role on the team.  

• I like to help. If I can help, I will.

It may help to handwrite your responses first and then talk though them with someone who knows you well, to see if you gain any other insight about yourself.  Just simply being aware of what’s going on with you is half the battle. By noticing your own patterns, you will start to open the door to making different choices in the moment.  Remember that you can’t control others or outside circumstances, but you can choose your own mindset, attitude, and behavior. 

To help you get started, answer this question: How can you honor what matters to you, in a way that works for you?  For most, this usually means setting some boundaries. You don’t have to lay down the law or completely overhaul your approach, but you can identify a couple of small steps to move you in the right direction. You’ll be glad you did.

TWU College of Business Commencement Speech: 'I’ll See It When I Believe It'

In May, I gave the commencement speech for the College of Business at Texas Woman's University. I'm a big fan of TWU and serve on the inaugural advisory board for its Institute for Women's Leadership, so this opportunity meant a lot to me. My speech contains a timeless message that I hope will give you a little inspiration and remind you of what is possible. (You can also watch the video of the commencement speech.)

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

A couple of years ago, I heard these words in a guided meditation I was listening to. They made me pause – especially since I was going through a really challenging time in my business and my life. I’m really passionate about developing high-performing leaders, especially women, and had come up with an idea for an app that I thought could really make some proven tools available to a much wider audience. For me, this was about impact. As I got further into the development of the app, I realized that my technology partner wasn’t the best fit for me or my clients. I was really frustrated because we were behind schedule, I had invested a lot of time and money, and it was challenging to get things done.

So I started using every strategy I could to manage my stress, including meditation. One morning, during a guided meditation, I heard these words: 

“I’ll see it when I believe it.”

 “I’ll see it when I believe it.”

That wasn’t exactly what I had been telling myself, which was, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” That’s what most of us are used to hearing. In other words, once I see the evidence that it’s true, THEN I’ll believe it.

Unfortunately, that focus on seeing something tangible first puts you in a place of judging and evaluating instead of seeing the possibilities that could be right in front of you.  

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

Where those words took me was to a place of putting aside sunk costs – the time and money that I had already invested– and thinking about what I should do now. It was just what I needed to shift my direction and move forward.

I’ll see it when I believe it shows up in so many ways. 

I didn’t realize how much this was part of my own belief system. It had been engrained in me over the years through my parents. As young children, my parents left everything behind during the partition of India, which displaced over 14 million people along religious lines. When my brother and sister were little, my parent migrated to England to seek better medical care for my sister, who had been born with some severe health issues. My dad, a man with two master’s degrees, worked nights at an ice cream factory to earn money and interviewed for teaching jobs during the day. 

When I was 9, we relocated to the U.S. The racial discrimination we experienced in England was enough for my parents to decide a big change was necessary. They sought a better life for all of us. They didn’t know how it would all turn out, but they truly understood the power of first believing that what you want is possible – that you can do it. My parents had picked up and started over and over and succeeded.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

I remember when I started college, I was so sure I wanted to be a doctor. And then I took chemistry. I’m not sure I have words for how that subject made me feel. Maybe just draining sound effects would be better! Taking that one class and seeing my brother going through medical school made me stop and re-evaluate. How badly did I want this? Was I passionate enough about this to go through years of school and then have piles of debt at the end?  So here I was asking myself, “Now what?” And I remember freaking out a bit because I hadn’t contemplated anything different up until this point. But I believed I could figure it out. 

Looking back, I’ve seen my career unfold in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Although I worked at Deloitte Consulting for 14 years, it wasn’t a straight path. I left after 3 1/2 years, got recruited back, worked in three different consulting groups, and when the choice to become a partner was in front of me, I left consulting altogether to move into Human Resources. And then a few years later, in 2008, as an HR executive, I decided to walk away from it all to start my own leadership development company. Little did I know that in three short months, the economy would take a complete nosedive. Nonetheless, 11 years later, I still love what I do. I get to effect change and help people really believe in themselves. It was all worth it.

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You may think that you should have everything figured out, and that everybody else already has. It can feel like you’re the only one who hasn’t. But I’ll tell you that even the high performing leaders that I coach at Fortune 50 companies don’t have things figured out all the time. 

So, what I want to leave you with today is my perspective on how to cultivate a philosophy of I’ll see it when I believe it in your own life.

In the work I do with women leaders, most of them really want to make a difference. In fact, sometimes that passion motivates them far more than getting a bigger paycheck or title. But when I start to ask them about their strengths and the value they uniquely bring, it’s usually met with exhausted sound effects — like my experience with chemistry. The humility that most of them have been socialized with kicks in.  

But when I explain how noticing your own strengths and how you consistently get results is the first step to helping others develop those same skills, they get a lot more engaged. Many of them think what they’re doing isn’t anything special and that others can just as easily do it. They’re just doing their jobs or doing what’s expected. 

When I hear that, I challenge them to look around them. What does the evidence tell you? How many people can easily do what you do? 

If you keep minimizing what you bring to the table, you’ve missed a huge opportunity to have a bigger impact.

One of my favorite exercises is to have people answer the following question:  

If someone were to describe you to someone else, what are the top three things you would want them to say about you? 

And then dig a little deeper:

What do you say or do that reinforces those three things? 

And what’s the impact of those three things? In other words, why should anyone care? What can you do that others can’t easily do?

Maybe your “can-do” attitude, even in the most challenging situations, inspires others to be part of the solution rather than digging their heels in and saying we can’t do it. Maybe you can sift through a lot of information, connect the dots in ways that others can’t, and distill invaluable insights.

I had a client a few years ago who was at a transition point in her career and was trying to figure out her next step. As we talked, she told me that she had come across her dream job. I was really excited for her and asked her when she was going to apply for it. She hesitated, telling me that they wouldn’t be interested in her for that position. I was really surprised, given what I knew about her. So, I asked her to tell me all the ways that she was uniquely qualified for the position, no matter how big or small the qualification.  She proceeded to rattle off a lengthy list off the top of her head. At the end of it, I asked her to tell me how she felt now. And she said, “Wow, I’m kind of a big deal!” We both laughed. 

Sometimes you have to just stop and notice. I’m sure each of you are a big deal in your own way. 

I’ll see it when I believe it.

You will see amazing things happen – in your own life and in the lives of people and organizations that you touch – when you believe you have unique talents and strengths.

I’ll see it when I believe it. 

These are words to live by and I hope they inspire you to see how much opportunity you have in front of you. Class of 2019, congratulations! I can’t wait to see the impact you’re going to have when you really believe that you can.

Are You Tired of Being Strong?

Over the years, people have consistently told me how strong I am. It’s always left me wondering, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Well, let’s just say it’s a mixed bag. Being strong and capable has served me well but, at times, has been a huge point of frustration. Today I want to share a little of my personal journey because I know some of you strong, reliable, “never-let-a-ball-drop” women may be going through something similar. 

On the positive side, being strong and capable has helped me work through tough situations, take risks, go for what matters to me and show that I bring something valuable to the table. On the negative side, I regularly feel the weight of life and the fatigue that comes with always being strong and being the person that everyone can count on.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were a bit easier?  

Well, I’ve decided that it has to be easier. So I’ve been working to better understand my own role in creating this situation. My biggest epiphany was realizing how much I have been tolerating for years, without anyone really knowing that I have been – including me. It’s amazing the insight you gain when you truly start opening yourself up to the possibility that there’s something you really need to see, learn or do differently to move forward.  

As I began to seek new information, I noticed my recurring fatigue and pain. This led me to ask, “What am I missing? What do I need to learn?” From these questions, I began to see the physical and emotional signs that I had been ignoring for years. Maybe you have some too? Whether you realize it or not, these signs hold invaluable insight. What chronic or recurring aches and pains do you have in your body, whether it’s back pain, headaches or something from an injury? How often do you find yourself surprised by the magnitude of your reaction to certain types of situations? The signs are all around us, but are you noticing or ignoring yours? And what are they telling you?

As I started on this journey, I enrolled in a somatic coaching class. This type of coaching is all about giving you access to your full intelligence — intellectual, emotional and physical. In Western society, we often over-emphasize intellect and ignore the rest. So I want to encourage you to get in tune with your body. It holds more wisdom than you realize. Somatic coaching has been very powerful for me personally and as I help others move past roadblocks with this approach.

For those of you running around out there in back-to-back meetings or activities in the flurry of life, start by just taking five minutes a day to simply pause and notice. How are you feeling emotionally? How does your body feel? Where does it hurt? What does all of this tell you? What do you need right now?

For me, guided meditations have become a good way to reflect. As a very physically active person, taking the traditional approach to meditation by sitting still was really hard. So I had to start by doing it my way – listening while I’m running outside. That approach has worked well, but I have also come to realize the power of just being and breathing. I don’t meditate that way very often but when I do, it’s powerful. Today was one of those days. 

Here are the words that came up for me in the silence. I think they may resonate with you:

Lighten the load.

Let go of the burden.

You are loved and cared for anyway.

Bring playfulness back into your life.

Just play.

Enjoy life.

So, today, I want to challenge all of you women running around out there over-delivering and wondering how you can keep this up, or if you even want to. Yes, I’m talking to those of you who are taking care of everyone else before you take care of yourself or tolerating less than you deserve. Lighten your load. Do something for yourself today. You deserve it. Nothing is going to fall apart. You’ve already made sure of that.

And I’m right here in your corner, cheering you on.

Tapping Your Network: The Unwritten Rules

Maintaining a strong network is one of the most essential skills for leaders. Yet I frequently see even savvy professionals making some avoidable mistakes when they need help from someone in their network. That's why I wanted to wrap up my series of articles on the unwritten rules of work with this topic. 

People often hesitate to reach out to someone in their network because they don't want to bother them or they feel uncomfortable asking for help. Most people, however, are happy to help. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel good knowing that their expertise, experience or perspective made a positive difference for someone else. When you give someone an opportunity to contribute like this, they may become an even stronger ally for you – as long as you keep a few key things in mind.

Be Clear in Your Request

All of us are busy and the person you are approaching is no exception. Explain very clearly why you're getting in touch. (This is one practice that distinguishes high performers from others.) Let's say you have an upcoming job interview in a business unit where your contact previously worked, and you want their thoughts about this job opportunity. Your initial email should say much more than, "I would love to catch up soon if you're free." 

Mention any time sensitivity to avoid any delays and let them know what kind of help you need. For example, do you just want them to answer some questions about their past experiences? Do you want them to introduce you to someone or to put in a good word for you? Clarify what you need and when, to help them prepare and to maximize your time and theirs during the conversation. You will do wonders to maintain a good relationship when you show respect for their time (with actions, not just words) and make it easy for them to help you.

Show Interest in Them

Even though you reached out for help, the conversation doesn’t have to be one-sided. You can reinforce your interest in the other person in several ways.  Actively engage in the conversation and ask about what’s going on in their world, personally and professionally. Whether they need any support or not, simply asking, “What can I do to help you?” can set a positive tone. It conveys the importance of the relationship and that they're not just a resource for getting what you want.

Don't Leave Them Hanging

After your meeting, take one more step to strengthen your relationship with your contact. A lot of people overlook this opportunity. This goes beyond sending a thank-you note for their time and advice. Let your contact know how the situation unfolded after your conversation. For example: "Our meeting really helped prepare me for the interview. I felt so much more confident. I expect to hear back from the hiring manager next week."  Some people hesitate to follow up because they are busy or they don’t want to take up any more of their contact's time. But the last thing you want your contact to think is that they gave you their time and you didn’t have the courtesy to follow up. Most people will feel gratified to hear that the time they spent with you was worthwhile and made a positive impact.

Finally, remember to stay in touch. Don't wait until the next time you need something to approach your contact again. This doesn't have to be time-consuming. Take simple steps like forwarding articles, sharing news and events you think they would be interested in, adding thoughtful comments to their social media posts, or making meaningful introductions. Investing in maintaining the relationship can make networking feels much more authentic.

You can find more strategies like these in "Building a Powerful Network," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE Series.℠

And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series: 

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of what you do vs. how you do it

• The unwritten rules of asking vs. informing

• The unwritten rules of pushing back diplomatically

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. 

How to Push Back Diplomatically: The Unwritten Rules

You're at a meeting and a leader more senior than you is proposing a timeline for an important upcoming project. When he asks if anyone has objections to his plan, you aren't sure what to do.

You definitely have some objections. The timeline he's suggesting is next to impossible for your group.

But he is much higher in the corporate hierarchy than you are. Everyone else is saying they can make his plan happen. You don't want to seem like the only person who isn't getting board.

So should you speak up or not?

This is one of the trickiest situations you can face as a leader. And that's why I wanted to address it as part of my series of articles on the unwritten rules of work.

Speaking Up Vs. Being a Team Player

In a scenario like the one I described above, some of your key values and priorities might feel at odds with each other.

You've probably risen as far in your organization as you have based at least in part on your ability to show respect and be a team player.

But as you advance as a leader, there's also a growing expectation that you will be willing to speak hard truths for the good of the business, even when there's some risk to you in doing so.

There's no definitive answer on when to take a stand and when to get on board with a plan despite your concerns.

But I've seen through my work as an executive coach that most people worry more about the consequences of speaking up than those of staying silent.

The Risks of Staying Silent

Not sharing your objections can feel like the safer option. But it has its own set of risks for your personal brand as a leader. If you never push back, others will start asking questions like these about your leadership:

• Can I trust you to tell me what I need to know even if it's going to be hard for you to do it?

• Are you a thought leader or a follower? Do you just go along with the crowd?

• Will you do the right thing even when it isn't easy?

• Are you afraid of conflict? Do you know how to handle disagreement?

Take a moment now to reflect on whether you avoid pushing back. It can also be helpful to ask for feedback from peers you trust. What they notice about your behavior might surprise you!

How to Disagree and Be Heard

If you'd like to become more comfortable voicing disagreement, the first step is often simply to remind yourself that this is part of your job. In my article about the unwritten rules about speaking up at meetings, I talked about the fact that you're "at the table" because you have insights to offer, even if you're the most junior person in the room. 

The same thing is true when it comes to pushing back. You're expected to use your experience and expertise to keep the business headed in the right direction, even when that means sounding alarm bells about what you believe is an impending mistake.

Remember, too, that disagreeing doesn't have to mean being disagreeable. You can still show that you are respectful and a team player even as you voice objections. Here are a few tips on how to do that.

• Pay attention to what pushing back looks like in the culture of your office. What do you notice about how other successful leaders handle disagreement?

• Frame your disagreement to show that it's rooted in what's best for the organization and that it isn't personal.

• Communicate your objections in a way that shows you are listening to the opposing camp, that you respect them and that you are willing to work with them to find a solution.

Some leaders feel that it's more diplomatic to push back behind the scenes instead of in the middle of the meeting. But this tactic has its own risks.

If you're always "working the back channel," you could be seen as playing politics or pursuing your own agenda. And if others don't see you taking a stand, they could still assume that you're a pushover.

Taking a stand when you disagree is no guarantee that you will get others to change course. But by confidently and diplomatically raising your concerns, you are still building your brand as a leader.

You can find more strategies like these in "Communicating With Impact," one of the titles in my Leadership EDGE Series.℠

And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series: 

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of what you do vs. how you do it

• The unwritten rules of asking vs. informing

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

Asking Vs. Informing: The Unwritten Rules for Leaders and Managers

After a promotion at work, there’s so much to think about. One of the most important things to remember is that the workplace behaviors that got you where you are may not be the ones that will help you keep moving forward.

That’s especially true when it comes to your communication style, particularly around decision-making. All too often, I see new managers or leaders undermine their credibility by continuing to ask permission on decisions as if they are still in their previous role.

Why is this such a big deal? Regularly asking for permission conveys that you lack confidence. And that, in turn, leads to others losing confidence in your ability to lead.

The solution? Shifting from asking to informing. This is one of those “unwritten rules” of work. It doesn’t get talked about a lot, but it makes a big difference in how effective a leader is. Whether you're navigating a new leadership role yourself or you’re managing or mentoring someone who's just gotten promoted, understanding this unwritten rule is essential.

What's the Difference Between Asking for Permission and Informing?

At first glance, the distinction might seem subtle, but the impact on a leader’s personal brand can be significant. Read these two statements and notice your gut reaction to each one.

• I've explored several options, and I have identified the best one to resolve our budget issue. Are you OK with it? Can I move forward?

• I've explored several options, and I'm confident that I have identified the best one to resolve our budget issue. I'll move forward with this unless you have any major concerns.

While both messages convey the same basic information, the tone and implied confidence levels are very different. The first scenario positions the asker as seeking approval, which potentially undermines their authority. The second demonstrates their capability to make decisions while still respecting the organizational hierarchy.

The Risks of Too Much Asking

It's common for newly promoted leaders to err on the side of caution by frequently asking for permission. This behavior comes from a positive place. The asker may want to show deference to the leaders above them or demonstrate that they are open and collaborative. This can be a good approach in some situations. But when asking is overused, it can backfire. Constantly seeking approval before acting can have several negative consequences:

• Damaged credibility. Others may start to wonder whether the leader can, in fact, make independent decisions. Team members might even start going around them to the "real" decision-maker.

• Entrenched micromanagement. Constantly asking a micromanager for permission just adds fuel to the fire of their unproductive behavior.

• Stalled progress. Waiting for approval on every decision can slow down processes, hurt productivity and lead to missed opportunities.

How to Shift from Asking to Informing

Whether you’re the one who needs to inform more and ask less or you’re helping a team member through this transition, here are some strategies that can help. You can use these steps yourself or make them part of coaching conversations with your team member

• Reflect. Think about your recent interactions. How often did you ask for permission around decisions instead of simply informing others?

• Pause before asking. When you're about to ask for permission, stop and consider whether the decision falls within your authority. If it does, how can you rephrase your communication to inform rather than ask?

• Provide clear rationale. When informing others of your decisions, concisely explain your logic. This demonstrates that you understand the big picture and that you've thought through the implications.

• Express confidence. Use language that conveys your confidence in your decision-making ability.

• Invite feedback judiciously. Instead of asking for permission, you might say something like, "Unless you have any major concerns, I'll proceed with this approach."

Examples of Informing Statements

What does it sound like to inform others while maintaining your respect for their role? Here are some phrases that demonstrate both consideration and decision-making capability:

• I've analyzed the situation and determined the best course of action. I'll move forward with this plan unless you see any significant issues I might have overlooked.

• Given our current priorities, I've decided to allocate resources as follows ... Please let me know if you need any clarification on this approach.

• After careful consideration, I'm confident this is the right direction for our team. I'll begin implementation next week and keep you updated on our progress.

• I know we have a lot going on, and I want to be respectful of your time. I've done the groundwork, feel good about the direction, and am ready to move forward.

Supporting Your Team's Growth

If you're managing someone who's recently been promoted, you can play a crucial role in helping them start informing more and asking less. This is beneficial for both of you. Your team member will improve their ability to communicate with confidence and impact. And you’ll free up more time in your day when you don’t have to sign off on all of their decisions.

Here are some ways that you can support their growth and independence:

• Set clear expectations. Let your team member know that you expect them to make decisions within their scope of authority.

• Provide feedback. When they ask for your permission unnecessarily, talk about how they could have informed instead and what they can do in a similar situation next time.

• Delegate for development. Give them chances to make decisions on their own and support them, even if the outcome isn't perfect.

• Set an example. Demonstrate informing (rather than asking) in your own interactions with your superiors.

• Spark reflection. Encourage them to think about how their communication style affects how others perceive them as a leader.

Developing Leadership Skills: What's Next?

Mastering the art of informing rather than asking permission projects confidence, demonstrates decision-making competence, and establishes leadership credibility. But honing a new communication style is just one of the many adjustments involved in taking on a new role.

If your organization is looking for innovative ways to support and train new leaders and managers, I invite you to explore Newberry Solutions’ New Lens® learning platform. New Lens is a Capability Academy that focuses on core leadership strategies — like impactful communication — that have helped over 75% of our clients in Fortune 500 companies get promoted. To schedule a demo or learn more, visit https://www.newlensleadership.com. You can also join in the conversation about this article on my LinkedIn page. Share the communication strategies that worked for you as a new manager or leader, and let me know if there are more unwritten rules of leadership that you’d like me to cover in an upcoming blog article.

The One Unwritten Rule You Must NEVER Forget

Over the past several weeks, we've been talking about the unwritten rules of business. The rule I want to talk about today is one of the simplest, yet one of the most underestimated. And the consequences of breaking this one are long-lasting.

What is it? Always take the high road when you talk about others, no matter how tempted you might be to do otherwise. It doesn’t matter if others around you aren’t taking the high road or if you can play off your comments as a joke. Anything but taking the high road can put your credibility and your leadership brand at risk.

The Temptation to Talk About Others

I know it’s not always easy, given the types of situations you might find yourself in:

• You're in a group setting. The conversation turns to a difficult person on another team whom you work closely with. You've had some tough challenges with that person, and you sense this group would be sympathetic if you decided to vent about your experiences.

• One of your direct reports has some quirky habits that everyone is aware of. One of her direct reports tells you about her latest odd behavior. You think of a very funny, disparaging joke that you could tell at her expense.

• Your boss just hit you with some unexpected, harshly delivered criticism. When one of your peers drops by your office, you really want to shut the door and unload — just as your peer did last week.

In each one of these scenarios, pause for just a few seconds to think about the short- and long-term impact of your actions. As a leader, I urge you to simply hold back from making negative comments about anyone you work with at any time, regardless of the level of the person you are talking about or the level of the person you are talking to. Just take the high road. You don’t know if, when or how your words will get shared.

Your Negativity Reflects on YOU

When you speak negatively about someone, even if what you’re saying is true, you may experience several consequences. First, your unkind words may get back to that person and affect your working relationship with them and possibly the entire team’s dynamics. Second, instead of thinking less of the person you are criticizing, your audience might actually think less of you:

• "If you’re saying this about John, what are you saying about me behind my back?"

• "If this is how you talk about people you work with, why would I want to work with you?"

• "Stop complaining and just fix the problem. You’re supposed to be a leader."

The higher up you are in the organization, the more weight your words carry. Ultimately, your behavior may erode the trust that you’ve worked so hard to build. No matter how good it feels in the moment to vent or joke about a colleague, is it worth the potential long-term damage to your reputation? Negative comments can have a long shelf life.

Better Ways to Deal With Frustration

So what can you do instead if you’ve hit the wall and need to vent?

It's OK to vent — just avoid it at work. Confide in trusted friends or family outside the office. Or simply get your negative thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Write them down uncensored. After you've had a chance to blow off some steam, identify what's really bothering you. By getting to the heart of the issue, you can start focusing on how to solve it.

You will realize that you have several options to improve the situation. It's easy to put off having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, but doing so is much more constructive than gossiping or throwing someone under the bus. For more advice on giving feedback, see my articles "How to Give Constructive Feedback to Your Boss" and "How to Help a Problem Employee Get on Track."

More Unwritten Rules

If you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past articles in this series:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

• The unwritten rules of results vs. relationships

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

What You Do Vs. How You Do It: The Unwritten Rules

There's a stumbling block that trips up all too many promising leaders, especially new leaders. But it's something that your managers are unlikely to talk with you about. In today's installment of my series on the unwritten rules of business, I want to shine some light on an issue that urgently needs to be on your radar if you are a leader now or you aspire to lead in the future.

It's Not Just About Results Anymore

The roots of this issue go back to how most organizations choose leaders in the first place. Typically, outstanding individual contributors are identified as having leadership potential and encouraged to move into management roles. As they become managers, they tend to assume that the habits and behaviors that have served them well so far will continue to help them succeed. Now, as you probably know, I'm a strong believer in knowing your strengths so that can you leverage them more powerfully. But when it comes to transitioning into leadership, things get a little more complicated.

As an individual contributor, you were mostly judged on your results. You knew how to get things done and do them well. As a leader, results are still important, of course. But you're also now being evaluated on how you get those results. In other words, the leaders above you aren't just looking at what you accomplish. They also care about the experiences of those who worked with you to accomplish those results. They are paying attention to how you impact other people.

Feedback Falls Short

Some leaders, though, fail to expand their focus to include results and relationships. They keep their heads so far down in their work that they don't pay much attention to how they affect others. Working with such managers, team members don't feel valued or even heard.

When this is going on, senior leaders notice. Unfortunately, however, they often fail to give feedback on how the manager interacts with others because they're still creating high-quality results. Or if senior leaders are giving feedback, it doesn't convey the seriousness of the problem. "I'm still getting raises and bonuses," the manager might think. "So what they're talking about doesn't sound like that big of a deal."

Because they don't correct the problem early, things only get worse. You've probably heard the saying that people don't leave companies, they leave managers. And managers who don't value relationships are the very ones that cause employees to leave. When retention becomes a problem, then senior leaders step up their feedback, which often blindsides the manager. It's a lose-lose situation. Because of the manager, team members are disengaged or even leaving the company. And the manager's once-promising career is at risk of being derailed by problems that should have been addressed much sooner.

How Are You Showing That You Care?

So what can you do as a leader or aspiring leader to avoid this scenario? No matter what messages you get from your own managers, always realize that your success hinges on both your results and your relationships. It's not just about what you deliver. How you deliver it is also important.

With that in mind, here are a few prompts to help you notice how you're doing with building relationships:

• When you're leading a meeting, do you launch into your agenda immediately or allow for some socializing?

• Are you all shop talk, all the time — even when you run into someone in the hallway?

• How present are you with others? Do you give them your full attention or are you thinking about everything else you need to be doing?

• How often do make others feel included by asking for their questions and input?

• How many colleagues who have worked on projects with you before want to work with you again?

• How much do you micromanage vs. empower others? Do you prioritize developing and teaching, or just getting the work done? Does your perfectionism stop you from delegating?

• How much of yourself do you show to other people?

If you're realizing that you might be emphasizing results at the expense of relationships, here's a simple exercise to try this week. Before your interactions with others, take a moment to think about how you can convey that you care about them and not just the work you are doing together. The gift of your attention is invaluable.

For more advice on this topic, pick up a copy of "Building a Strong Team," part of my Leadership EDGE Series℠. And if you'd like to read more on the unwritten rules of work, check out the past installments in this series:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

• The unwritten rules of flexible schedules

If you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

Flexible Work Schedules: The Unwritten Rules

This Mother's Day, working moms have something to celebrate: More and more workplaces are offering flexible scheduling.

Flexible schedules are widely popular among all workers, but research has shown that they're especially important to women. One study found that having flexible hours closes the wage gap (and then some!) between working moms and women who don't have children. Flexible schedules also support women's ambitions. At companies with flexible work arrangements, more high-potential women aspire to the senior executive/CEO level compared with firms without such arrangements.

However, if you are taking advantage of flexible scheduling at your workplace, there are some things you need to know to reap the benefits while still sending the right messages about your leadership. That's why I chose to cover this topic in my series of articles about the unwritten rules of business.

Do Others Understand Your Schedule?

After all these years of everyone talking about work-life balance, working on a nontraditional schedule can still get a range of reactions in the business world. You may run into others' perceptions of what a typical workday should look like and what it says about you when you're doing something different.

During my last executive role at Deloitte, I incorporated some informal flexibility into my schedule. Some of my team members were in different time zones, and I had a 2-year-old son at home. So it made sense for me to leave the office a little earlier in the afternoon, go home to spend some time with my son and then do some more work after he went to bed.

This was great for managing both my personal and professional priorities. But because of my after-hours emails, some of my team members, especially those in other cities, thought I worked nonstop and all the time. Even worse, they thought I expected them to keep similar long hours, which just wasn't the case.

The Hidden Messages in After-Hours Emails

As I discovered, when people get an email from you that has a time stamp that is outside regular business hours, it raises questions. I recently discussed this with a couple of clients, one who often works a few hours late at night and the other who starts before her small children wake up, often sending her first emails before 7 a.m.

Neither of these clients feels overworked or overwhelmed. In fact, they are well in control of their schedules and are far from burnout. But the optics of their email habits convey a different message to people who don’t realize the informal flexibility they have integrated into how they work. Their team members may assume (as my former colleagues did) that they:

• Are constantly checking email

• Expect their teams to work well beyond regular business hours

• Are approaching burnout and are up at all hours working

• Can’t effectively manage their workload, delegate or ask for help

If you put yourself in others’ shoes for a minute and reflect about your own behavior, what might it say to people about you?

Communicate Clearly About Your Schedule

Don't leave it to others to draw their own conclusions about your capabilities or your stress level. Consider proactively sharing how the strategies you’ve implemented increase your productivity and effectiveness as a leader. Remember that most people have difficulty working in a way that is sustainable, and sharing your approach may give the permission they want to start making changes.

That's what I did with my colleagues at Deloitte. When I realized that they thought I never unplugged, I knew that I needed to explain my approach and “connect the dots” for them. I told them that I wasn't always working — and that I didn't expect them to, either. I also encouraged them to adapt their schedules to fit their own needs (as long as business needs were also met).

But sometimes you may have to tweak your approach to better fit the culture. For example, if you frequently send emails outside of normal business hours, you may inadvertently set an expectation that others have to change the hours they work to accommodate you. So, unless it’s urgent, I suggest that you save your draft emails to send during business hours. This will reinforce your commitment to everyone working in a way that honors their personal and professional priorities.

I want to challenge you to take 5-10 minutes to identify the assumptions people may be making about you, based on how you work. Are they taking away the right messages about your leadership? For more ideas on building work-life balance, check out "Staying in the Driver's Seat" from my Leadership EDGE Series℠.

More Unwritten Rules

Did you miss the earlier articles in this series? Follow the links below to catch up now:

• The unwritten rules about speaking up in meetings

• The unwritten rules about professional appearance

And if you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.

How to Speak Up More in Meetings: The Unwritten Rules

Meetings can be tricky to navigate for anyone. But women often have some extra challenges that men don't face. Researchers have found that women speak less than men do at meetings, and, as a result of this, their contributions are often underestimated. But they can also be judged more harshly than men if others perceive that they speak a lot.

Given the importance and sensitivity of this topic, I wanted to include this as a topic in my current series of articles about the unwritten rules of work. (Here's a link to the series' first article, on professional appearance, if you missed it and would like to catch up.) Today, I want to give you both the confidence and the practical strategies you need to be heard.

What Keeps You From Speaking at Meetings?

In your next meeting, pay attention to your comfort level voicing your ideas and opinions. If you find yourself not saying much, take a few minutes to reflect about what's really holding you back. Here are some common reasons I see time and again in my work with leaders. Which ones resonate with you?

• You feel like you don't know enough about the topic or that you know less than everyone else. This is not your area of expertise.

• You're not comfortable speaking off the top of your head.

• Putting your idea out there feels risky. What if they reject it?

• You hesitate to speak up around people with more experience or tenure than you have.

• You feel that it's rude to talk over or interrupt others, especially if they're more senior than you are, and that’s what it would take to share your idea in this setting. Or you don't want to seem pushy.

How to Speak Up More

Now that you have a better sense of why you don’t speak up in meetings, you can work on reducing your hesitation. For many people, this involves shifting their mindset and expectations of themselves.

If you're not comfortable speaking off the cuff or putting your ideas out there, realize that you're expected to do both more and more as you advance as a leader. Consider making these areas a focus of your leadership development, and look for safe ways to practice, such as volunteer opportunities.

If talking over others or interrupting feels rude to you, remember that you can be heard while still honoring your value of respecting others. First, hone your ability to read the room and adjust your style accordingly. In a meeting where everyone is being loud, passionate and outspoken, you can "amp up" your typical approach without stepping on others' toes. In a meeting with this kind of crowd, it can be helpful to make your points early before everyone really gets charged up.

Also consider whether any beliefs from your culture or your family might impact whether you speak up. For example, "I should always defer to people who are older and more experienced" or "No one likes women who talk too much." These ideas can be so deeply engrained in you that you're not even aware of them until you start reflecting about your underlying assumptions or values.

One of the biggest shifts you can make is realizing that you can add value to a meeting even when you don't have expertise or experience in the area being discussed. Sometimes your fresh perspective is the very thing that makes you valuable. When everyone else has been immersed in a topic, they may be unable to "see the forest for the trees" the way that you can as a relative outsider.

You don't always have to have the answer or solution, either. Others can benefit just from hearing how you think about the problem. Your approach might be one that they had not considered. You can even add value just by synthesizing and summarizing what you are hearing. When you make statements like "Here are the key opportunities and roadblocks I'm hearing …" or "Kevin, it sounds like you and Debra actually have similar goals here, but you're just stating them a little differently …" you help keep meetings on track and focused.

Don't Go It Alone

As with so many other aspects of developing as a leader, speaking more in meetings gets easier when you enlist an ally in your cause. Ask a trusted colleague to help you enter the conversation. They can say something like "Mona, you've handled situations like this. I'd love to hear your insights."

I also have a variety of products and services to help you build your confidence around speaking up. A great starting point is the title "Communicating With Impact from my Leadership EDGE Series℠. And if you have questions about other unwritten rules at work, please don't hesitate to drop me a note. I may answer your question in an upcoming blog article.